Strong Love

Having James as my child has been an adventure. Our kids teach us new things and make us rediscover or see our world differently.

I've learned many lessons from both my kids - patience I never suspected I had, unconditional love I hoped I had, and how to be strong and not live in fear.

Especially so with James, who is autistic. Like many spectrum kids, he displays a complete disregard for personal awareness/safety that requires almost constant vigilance and nerves of steel. I can't tell you how many times I've seen (in my mind) his playful, laughing face looking backwards at me as he dashes out in front of a moving car and wham! seeing his light go out, and no more James. It's literally one of my worst nightmares, because we've had close calls. Every time we exit the car in a parking lot I have to remind him to wait by the car until we can walk together.

When he was younger, James would leave the house and go wandering off. Sometimes he'd stay in the yard, sometimes he'd wander down the sidewalk. I remember waking up one night and finding him standing in the darkened house right by the front door, tall and able enough to open the locks and wander outside. I've pretty much been sleeping on the sofa ever since that night.

Both my kids hated like poison to have water on their heads and having their hair washed. They freaked out in a pool or large body of water. They panicked if  anyone splashed water their way and did not like the unsteady buoyancy while in water. It's really difficult to describe the mental fortitude required to deal with these reactions to basic self care activities.

I was able to start my daughter's water safety early with Mommy and Me swim lessons. Her sensory sensitivity has not been as extreme as James'.  Still, it took over 3 years of swim lessons before she would put her head underwater.

James has been even more of a challenge to get used to water. Showers literally terrify him and he considers washing his hair as a form of water torture. I made it a point to take both kids into the pool with me during the summer. Countless afternoons we'd sit on the steps and I'd coax the down one more step, try a little splashing, and take them out into deeper water and get them used to floating with my hands supporting them. It's been a huge uphill climb and I come from a very swim-happy family. I am lucky to have had the opportunities to be persistent with water safety preparedness.

We live near a big river and like to visit the ocean, so I wanted to get them confident and learn how to be safe around water. I know that kids are attracted to water and wanted to help keep them safe. I did not know, when I started all my pool excursions, how dangerous an attraction water, wandering, and autism can be.

Sadly, I am learning (CDC report, in PDF format). Over the past week, I have read of 2 autistic children wandering off and being found later, drowned in water.

In particular, my heart goes out to a local family, the Lynches, who lost their daughter a little over a week ago. Seeing her pictures broke my heart a little. She was so obviously loved, and her quirky smile so beautiful and so like my son James'. 

   

It just kills me a little to realize she's gone so suddenly. Because that could so easily have been James. Because these special kiddos make a light in the world; they can be so difficult to manage and also so horribly missed when gone.

I know how strong my love has become for James and all his uniqueness, so I understand a little what the families are grieving and how much they have lost. This post in in support of the family of Mikaela Lynch.

If you would like to read more, please visit the FaceBook page An Outpouring of Love for the Mikaela Lynch Family, and show your support.

Water Buddy

Even though we hit the road in October, Southern California had one more heat wave up its sleeve for us. As the temps climbed and baked us in the mid-90s, the kids became increasingly excited about using our hotel's pool. The high outdoor temps were key, because the outdoor pool was not heated.

Even though James is a wader and refuses to get his head wet (let alone blow bubbles or do "bobs"), he has become more confident when playing in the water. I am sure being bigger has a lot to do with it, but I like to think all those trips to our gym's pool and watching his sister's classes helped too. In fact, it was at the gym's pool this summer that James started to engage in water splashing fights, and did not get too upset when splashed in the face.

I enjoyed the fact that I did not have to be in the water right there with the kids too. I love swimming and water play, but being able to thumb through a magazine (waiting to be read since July) while soaking up the sun and watching the kids made me feel even more like I was on vacation. Here was another first for us all.

It was really fun to watch him play in the water. Because he can now walk down the pool steps to the bottom of most pools, James tends to stay in the water longer. I no longer have to slap a floatie on him if I am poolside. His sister has been successful with swimming dogpaddle style by herself so my focus can be on him. James' focus was on his sister (and, one afternoon his cousin) as she kicks, cavorts, and leaps off the side of the pool into the deeper water. It made me feel so good that he laughed and was a part of it. Next year, I hope he's doing some more cavorting of his own.

Night Swimming

It was so hot today that I took the kids swimming tonight at 8 after dinner. It was a fantastic experience!

The sun was down and the blue sky was swooshed over with dramatic clouds that threw back orange-pink light on us. The air was warm and still. The water was delicious on our skin. The quarter moon was soft and misty behind some gauzy clouds. I felt like we were in a big Maxfield Parrish snowglobe.

It was one of those nights I hope I'll always remember. Especially the looks on the kids' faces -- total amazement and delight.

This is James' first time in the pools since last year. I think he will like spending more time there and in the River.

First we stood on the steps of the middle pool, and then headed to the wading pool. His sister was very good and gave him a kick board to play with. He immediately called it a boat and put both hands on it, getting more into the water. James' words for this outing: wa'er (water), 'im/s'im (swim), boe (boat), moon, boo (blue), ah-pen (airplane). He put the words water and boat together! He leaned over and got his arms wet up to his elbows, and he brought his face so close to the surface that he got water on his cheek. He learned to get out of the wading pool by himself. He would walk carefully to me and then launch himself into space so I could catch and lower him back into the water. We will work on his re-entry!

Magic Marker Monday: Magic Hands

One of the things I love about kids is watching how they interact with their world and use everyday objects uncommonly. As James grows and becomes more engaged, I take special delight in watching him play spontaneously.

Like the visit to our Town Green, where he played with the water in the water fountain in a new way. James started his relationship with these enormous structures years back by falling in the water (poor coordination). That did not deter him from coming back to try sticking his hands into the water and trying to walk along the bottom (which as a good parent I try to discourage).

Last year he moved on to throwing handfuls of gravel into the water the moment I wasn't looking. We took a break until he could control himself better. Then he ran races along the top of the expansive walls and mastered stepping across the intermittent steps from one side of the fountains to another. Hooray for advances in foot-eye coordination and balance! He started to pick fallen leaves out of the water and tossing them back in. Definitely better than gravel, so I usually let this pass. The look on his face as he sends one over the "waterfall"? Priceless.

This Summer, James started noticing that he could "paint" with his wet hands. I helped him write his name, and he had fun making prints with his hands. Pure magic for about 10 minutes!

For more great masterpieces or to share some of your own, visit 5 Minutes for Special Needs for more Magic Marker Monday.

Pool Party Afternoon

Saturday Sidekicks went out with a splash! They threw one nice pool party this afternoon at Sonoma State. About half the pool was sectioned off for water play. Lots of the Sidekick buddies were already in the pool when we arrived, splashing and encouraging the kids to have fun in the water.

Beach balls and water polo balls bobbed merrily about. Floatie tubes helped the less confident to stay afloat. I towed James all over the pool for about an hour as he kicked, splashed, and yelled "Wheeee, a pool party!" over and over. His sister took off and swam like a fish all over the pool, with a buddy tagging along to monitor her progress and talk with her. James knew some of the kids in the pool, and we had fun hanging out near each other, and enjoying brief moments of connection and interaction.

Then the gigantic horse raft was brought out. Oh my. Most of the kids clamoured for a ride, often overbalancing and tipping over shortly after managing to get on top. Eventually, most kids had their fun, and climbed out to devour the pizza that had been delivered, poolside. A small dedicated group continued their water play. I got a shot as James did not want to get back in the water after pizza.

We hit the mid 80s and had a light breeze. It was perfect weather!

One last thank you and aloha for this year, Saturday Sidekicks!

Night Swimming

Not only do I like the song, I like to do it too. Which makes it a great posting title, but I digress ...

It's been unusually hot around here all week. Roast, roast, crisp, and schizzle! James does not do well in heat. He melts and gets cranky. The school buses and summer school do not have a/c. Thank goodness he's back home before 12:30pm!

So on Friday, I took he and his sister to the gym's pool after dinner, right about sundown. It was still like 90° and nice without the sun beating down on us. Big sister has been having swimming lessons, so she put on her inflatable ring/tube and hopped right in.

James was not so sure. He wanted his legs in the water and he wanted to keep his shirt on. After a bit, I coaxed him into going shirtless (this is tough for James). We went slowly down the steps, with James grabbing me as much as I was holding him. He got to watch the kids playing and his sister having fun. The gym is right by the airport, so he got to see a low-flying plane coming in for a landing -- he lit up as he waved to it and yelled "Hi, plane"

After a while, I started getting him a little more wet. James got nervous, and started to talk in babble-speak -- but he liked it too. Then I started singing and moving him. His sister's teacher from last year taught us to slowly tip them side to side, singing "Tick-tock, tick-tock, I'm a little cuckoo clock," so I did that too. He loved that. He even tried leaning over further to drink the water.

We went all around the pool. After about 45 minutes, I got James to float on his tummy, with me just holding him under his arms, and kick with his feet -- yay!!! He even let me float him on his back for a little bit. We all had to leave when they closed the pool.

We all really enjoyed doing this, especially at the end of a long, hot day! It was so hot getting back into the car (in the 80° range) that we stopped off for ice cream on the way home. We were going to get snow cones, but the gym's snack bar had closed.

I am so proud of how much more comfortable James is in the water. I never thought he'd let me float him and start kicking his legs on his own. This is partly because he's been uneasy even in the tub -- he has trouble balancing in the water and doesn't like it splashing on his face. The other part is that I know James has trouble "knowing" where his body is in space, and floating in water would seem to make that worse. Activities that involve the vestibular areas of his brain have been a real challenge for him.

I guess you can never underestimate the power of doing something for fun, and being surrounded by other kids doing the same thing and enjoying themselves.

Exploration

James has always liked water. The fountains on the Town Green have fascinated him since the first time he saw them. This year, he is finally able to explore around them.


On his first fountain expedition, he toddled over to them and immediately tried to get his feet in the water, shoes and all. He'd lean over the sides and stick in his hand, usually up to his shoulder. Once, the entire side of his head almost kissed the bottom. Most un-fun. I'd have to hold him in a flying position and zoom him into the mini waterfalls. He'd let the water spill over his hands and laugh. The gravel nearby was obviously meant to be scooped up and thrown into the water. To be fair, his sister was fond of this too.

This year, James can hold onto part of the fountain and reach out to let the waterfall spill over his hands. He is not so interested in plunking his shod feet in the water. Although he will do it if he is sufficiently bored.

The gravel goes into the grates in the ground.

He walks along the fountain edges, trying to keep up with his sister.

James will also cross the fountain, counting his footsteps. I can tell he is getting much more self-confident, because he is doing it much faster now. And has fallen in twice.

I love trips to the fountains. They are like an OT session. Maybe a little more fun. With a lot less driving.

On the Inside, Looking Out

We had an interesting experience last month. Both my kids were splashing about in family the pool at our gym. I was watching from a chair in the sun, trying to avoid coming down with a cold. My daughter has been taking lessons, and while not yet truly swimming, she is confident and can dog paddle. James is very tall for his age, and so can safely walk across the shallow ends of the pool.

He loves to be in the pool, jumping about on the stairs and "monkeying" along the wall. If I get in the pool with the kids, they both love to climb the ladder at the deepest part of the pool and fling themselves off the edge. My daughter can now go solo. James still does not want his head wet, and leaps into my arms.

So there I was, watching them play in the pool at the gym. I noticed a young girl in full street clothes approach the pool and stare intently at my daughter and some other people in the pool. Then she started to jump up and down. And flap her hands. And do some verbal stimulation that did not include words. She circled the pool, doing this for a good 15 minutes. She was with her family and they all seemed to be enjoying a summer afternoon around and in the pool.

James did look up at her several times, but then went back to what he'd been doing, which was engaging in water fights with his sister (something new this summer; usually he hates being even splashed with water).

This is what really struck me: here I was, sitting outside on the deck, watching my kids in the water, doing their thing. I'd turned from a water-loving participant into a dry-dock watching mom. James was checking out airplanes up in the sky, my location, and what his sister was doing while trying his best to share the water with his neighbours. He was inside, looking out. I found that different, yet satisfying.

Take Me to the River

My mom and I took the kids to play in the River this morning. My daughter has been there before, but this is James' first time playing in the water. He really liked feeling the water on his legs and getting cooled off on a hot morning. He threw a few rocks, and really got into a game with his Nana. He stood upstream and emptied a bucket of water on himself. Then he'd laugh and throw the bucket into the current, where it would be carried downstream and scooped up by Nana. Lather, rinse, repeat!

He was really looking around and taking everything in. He called out "bird" when a backbird landed nearby on a log. He went "Qak, qak!" at the ducks flying overhead. And when his sister exclaimed "fish!" he did too. He sang his "walking, walking" song as he plowed through the water. He also loved walking through the trees and grasses to get to and from the beach. I am so proud of the way he totally jumped on board and explored everything around him. And how fortunate that he seems to have grown out of eating rocks!

Up until his nap time, I kept hearing the occassional exclamation of "Wah'er! wah'er!" I am looking forward to summer!

Fifth Grade Field Trip: Steelhead Release

I had to fight to get James included with this fifth grade peers this year. Despite a clear IEP, it took several sounds of meetings, many emails, and a lawyer or two to enforce it. When the dust settled and James was finally with his peers, it was January. It took more emails to get included on the class email list, and there were 3 field trips left in the year by then.

Release of the steelhead fry in a local creek was the first we could make, and it was a great trip. The day was sunny and cloudy, neither too hot or chilly for the fish or the kids. The class was literally all over the rocks and boulders, like bouncing ping pong balls. James started off by himself, watching, and eventually ended up under a grove of trees with some other boys.

Magnifying glasses came out and the kids lifted rocks to look for life forms underneath. They called out to each other to come see when they found something. They were excited as heck to be out of a classroom and exploring. The Mom Chaperones shouted out to those who strayed too far in their explorations ... there were some very enthusiastic discoverers in the group!

We had snacks and then headed down to the water's edge of Brush Creek, where the fry were somewhat acclimated to fresh water temps. The kids broke into groups to check the pH levels and water temperatures. They were going to turn in their data for scientific research. James stood apart watching, and was then called over by a group of kids, so he would not be left out. Right there, I felt all the struggles of this year were worth it. I was so happy to watch this inclusion just happen.

James' job was to report pH levels, which he did just fine. He then wandered up and down, observing other groups and having a great time climbing around the rocks. The fish were getting impatient, trying to swim out of their plastic cups.

The fish were released and cheered on as they swam away to freedom. After a bit of excited talking amongst themselves, the kids were rounded up for a class photo (my battery was out at this point, unfortunately) and then driven back to school. Did James have a good time?

Yes! Totally, totally worth it. At last!

Pool Master

We've been at our gym's pool a lot lately. Finally, my dream summer come true! It's been hot and the kiddos are finally competent and happy in the water. They can splash and cavort, working those growing bodies and yelling while I relax poolside, sipping iced tea (well, for about half an hour I can).

Then I can take my time working my way into the pool, stretching, hanging in the outdoor jacuzzi, and finally joining them for some water play and aerobic activity. I try to keep an eye on them both, because they can suddenly be in tears, and then it's MomAlert.

My daughter usually overextends herself into a meltdown. James may inadvertently swallow a huge mouthful of water or be buzzed by a bee. As the pool gets crowded, Other Kids can result in tears. I get that rowdy play can suddenly get out of hand without it becoming personal. There are, however, a couple of peaches who have taunted others into unsafe behaviour and laugh at the results (oh, not for long on my watch). I soothe and intervene when necessary.
  

So when I noticed a littler kid following James in the shallow end of the pool, laughing and repeating everything James said, I headed over to make sure this was okay. Even though it hasn't happened in front of me, I worry about James being teased for being different -- his echolalia would be easy to mock.

Know what James was saying to him? "I am your master." And the little boy thought it was hysterically funny and could not get enough. James wasn't quite sure what to do next, but he didn't want to quit, either. Wow. James was scripting Plankton from SpongeBob.

Intervene or not? Well, they were both having a good time and it was fairly appropriate social interaction, so I let it go on until faded on its own. This is James' biggest strength: his overall good humour and belief that the world wants to play with him. I hope he never loses it.

Breakthrough

So, for years it has been a nerve-wracking prospect to get James bathed or swimming. While he was fascinated with water (as is typical for many kids on the spectrum), both he and his sister hated water on their head, on their faces, and especially in their ears. It really distressed them.

James kept screaming and shrieking (and he has great lungs) and fighting bath time until fairly recently. The fussing and whining and "ow-ow-OWWWW" continued to make bath time the equivalent of a forced march. Up hill. In the cold mud.

Not a lot of bathing was done.

Enter a fine combination of being able to hear Temple Grandin talk and James' team at school. I cannot tell you what exactly shifted, but my approach to bathing went from "omg, how long can I the put off" to "this needs to happen and here are your choices." James' OT gave James a bag of hygiene products for guys. James' teacher and OT came up with a chart that looks like a combination of PECs schedule and a hygiene chart. It's additional homework.

James does not want to come to school with his homework undone, which - yay -  works in our favour.

After about a month of this, James has asked to and started to handle all bathing aspects on his own. After testing to see if Mom really notices if he uses bathing water or not, he has committed to the schedule - to the extent that he now initiates bathing and prefers to shower.

Remember James and the shower? Yeah. This is happening.

Growing up, being responsible, being independent. So proud of him. So thankful it finally happened!

Getting Bolder

Just over a week ago, we took a ride up into the mid 80s. We broke out the t-shirts and discovered James, at age 6, is now wearing sizes 7-8. He's also taking a size 13.5 in sandals. Thank goodness for hand-me-downs!

After school, we went swimming for the first time this year. The swim trunks that fell off him in November fit perfectly now. And even though this was not our usual swim pool, James went in the water all by himself. Only wearing the floatie ring, he'd bop up and down the pool lane by himself. He tried starting a water little fight with two of his cousins. Oh man, that twinkle in his eye! This guy wants some action.

He's come such a long way from freaking out when getting into the water and not wanting splashes anywhere near his face. I am so proud of him.

Self Care Refocus

So, after a period of falling off the self care wagon, I am doing better at psyching myself up and mentally organizing getting James to practice more self care skills.

He's been really good about taking out garbage and getting himself ready for school (as in dressed and lunch made in time to meet the school bus).

Today we were able to hit a double header out of the park: Laundry and a bath. And when James punched the dryer bottom for the bottom dryer with his clothes in the top unit, he was able to come back upstairs to tell me right away and we fixed it together.

The bath water was warmer than usual - I think he needs warmer water to relax more in the bath. He seemed to appreciate it. He even stayed in a few minutes longer than the agreed-to 10 minutes of soaking. l think this bath broke a record for smoothness in operation and start to finish was very close to the 20 minutes I told him it was take (as opposed to a memorable bath that took about an hour just to get him sitting in the water in the tub. Amazing!).

I have secret hopes of hair washing tomorrow.

Walking With Our Buddies And Friends

Some pictures need no words:

James and his buddy Ronnie

Some photos from today's walk. We picked up some more information from the Resources booths, saw friends, and enjoyed being out on a nice Spring morning.

Word is really getting out about Autism, but we still need your help!

Getting ready to walk ...

Rounding the corner on Lap 2.

Visiting the Cypress School booth, looking at PECS and drinking cool water from my special water bottle.

We are proud to be walking with our Buddies and Friends. We still need answers.

Summer's Last Heat Wave

Temps rose again recently. We were in the 90s yesterday. After a very overcast morning, the last day of summer finds us at 84 degrees, just before dinner.

I would love to take James swimming at the pool. Alas, James and swimming are no longer the friends they used to be. He used to like splashing in a public pool, jumping off the side into my sarms and letting me tow him around to kick his feet.

Now he is tall enough to walk the pool and never get his head wet. A few times a year I can coax him in, when there's minimal pool activity. Getting him out can take 20 minutes.

I am glad that I signed James up for swim lessons when he was younger. He loves splashing in the local river and I think a balance between wanting to play in the water and having some history that makes him confident (but not too much so) around water is a very good thing.

I just wish he'd enjoy spending some recreational time in the swim pool again.

Pineapple Express '14

What else happened in December ... oh yes - rain! After too many years of drought, especially after this past Spring that almost never was, we welcomed rain from a Pineapple Express.

I think we received some delayed water shipments, because the storm on December 11th dumped so much on us in a short while that roads, freeways, storm drains, and creeks were overwhelmed.

From Kent Porter in the Press Democrat

For the first time ever up here, school was cancelled for both kids/districts. Really, it was because the roads were compromised and people weren't sure about landslides later in the day. Regardless, I am so glad James does not take the bus. Some kids were waiting in the rain for 30 minutes for buses that never came - that's how close his school district cut it.  I actually called him in sick first, because his lack of eating after his procedure plus his anxiety over getting spots of water on his clothing just made staying home the better option that day.

James' sister's school waited too late, in my opinion. I was almost in the car with her before getting their cancellation message. Some parents had already dropped their kids at school and had to go back and get them. Oh, there were MANY unhappy parents that day ... which is why both districts announced that same afternoon that schools would also be closed the next day (Friday).

While I was glad my husband could be home with the kids, it was a bit sad to be the only one in the family who did not get a Rain Day off. Still, I did get an earlier start (and finish) than usual. I even got to do what the locals do when we get Rain -- head up to Memorial Bridge and take some pictures while sipping some Flying Goat coffee.

Memorial Bridge, under construction - yes, the workers were there & working - almost at flood stage.

On the railroad bridge, watching the park flood. haven't seen *that* in a while!

The Power of Pizza

 Picky Eating, Pizza to the Rescue

James and his sister were picky eaters as kids. Both of them eschew sauces, condiments, and mixing of anything except milk with ice cream - with super powers that always detected instantly any added powders or pureed vegetables. James went through a period of refusing to eat. 

For many years, he enjoyed a fairly stable palate of pancakes, blueberry muffins, or waffles for breakfast. Lunch was typically a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat bread. Dinner: chicken nuggets, with apple slices and fries. He ate simple animal cookies and yogurt squeeze-ups for snacks. Occasionally I could get him to eat a banana or pizza. He drank water, milk, and apple juice. There were occasions where we got him to nibble on a carrot or broccoli. 

The life changed, and kept changing ... and not in a good way. By the time we entered lockdown, James was down to cinnamon bread and milk for breakfast and pizza for everything else. He still drank milk and water, and a little apple juice. Then he got picky about pizza - luckily preferring items with low sodium, seasonings, and processing.

In less than 4 years he grew a good 7 inches. Thank goodness for pizza. I was able to get him back to eating blueberry waffles and croissants. He developed a taste for garlic cheese bread. We are working on adding quesadillas with whole wheat, carb-savvy tortillas, pear slices, and some peanut butter on whole wheat bread or apples.

Despite good intentions, often I am exhausted at the end of the day. It is good to have a somewhat healthy option that I know will work. Fast, packable for lunches and trips, and easily found - pizza is our dietary go-to. 

New Things on a Thursday

We're still on vacation, so after dropping Daddy off at the bus stop this morning, we ran some errands before heading up to Nana and Apu's house for some furniture rearrangement. Whew! After that, we hung out at home. I proposed going out to a park and encountered meltdown. Belay that outing.

So we took it easy some more, calmed down, and had lunch. I actually got most of the decorations down and the dangerously dessicated tree out of the house. It's the earliest I've ever taken down Christmas and I realized that I didn't get out a third of my things in the first place because things were so stressful and sad. It was kind of a blank feeling, like "well, that was pretty much a wash-out this year." We all did all make it through -- that's the main thing.

We worked on our thank you cards from Christmas and then took advantage of the warm afternoon and went swimming. While James and his sister had a blast, I worked the kinks out of my knees and blissed out in the outdoor jacuzzi while keeping an eye on the kids. James was excited to see one of his teachers from school and talked to her whenever he got near her.

Then it was time for out of the pool. James started crying, he was so cold once he the chilly afternoon air hit him. Luckily I changed him in less than a minute. It took longer to calm him down though. And lately, when he gets upset, he cries and starts shouting things like "You SHUSH!" and "And I said NO!!!" and "You go away now, Mommy!"

I don't get mad at him, but I do let him know that last one is really rude and he needs to say sorry. Then I get him to talk about what's bothering him (like this afternoon -- "Sounds like you're pretty cold, is that right?") and show him there's a solution that will make things a bit better ("Let's get on our dry clothes and go home. We can visit the helicopters on our way. Won't that be fun?")

Unfortunately, our gym's only family bathroom and shower are outdoors, which is really inconvenient in winter.  I strategized the bathing scenarios on the way home. Myself first, and then a bath for James while I dried my hair. Then wash James' hair (cringing as I think about this, but it's necessary) and dry him off while my daughter cut up potatoes for baked fries for dinner. Then clean up tree needles and get ready for dinner while daughter showers. Have James watch a video while I help her rinse, apply conditioner, and comb out/blow dry her long hair. All that took over an hour, but we all enjoyed our dinners with clean (dry) hair in our jammies. Thank the heavens that James has stopped screaming and crying if I turn on the hair dryer.

I cringe just thinking about washing James' hair. because it requires nerves of steel. He howls, screams,  cries, and thrashes so. Plus his cries of "No, Mommy, NOOOOOOOOOO!" make me feel like I am scarring him for life. Usually it takes him a LONG time to calm down after ... or he passes out into an early bedtime.

This time, however, he was merely unhappy. No crying. I hardly breathed through the whole operation. Another new thing - he talked out the steps in advance; we agreed on how many scoops of water we'd use to wet and then rinse his hair, as well as how long we'd do the actual shampooing.

Part of me want to light a candle, or something, in hopes that the water torture of bathing is behind us. Both my children hated having their heads get wet like. They howled and cried and screamed like possessed monkeys. After struggling for years with my daughter, I was sapped for dealing with James when he started rebelling. My husband does not help bathe the children, so I put off kid bathing and hair washing for ridiculously long periods of time. This past month I've finally nerved myself to do more often, and I think it's now becoming part of The Routine.

Last new thing: James, sitting on the sofa, reading "Where the Wild Things Are" to himself. He can memorize books like this, but I watched him and he was prompting himself by reading the words. What a warm glow that was! He also likes this book now because he identifies with Max. I think he needs some Wild Things in his room ...

Resisting

Things are a bit better at school, and I am cautiously optimistic. A couple of longish discussions with his aide about triggers and possible tools to use to encourage better behaviours and choices at school seem to have helped.

It is very true that if you try to shush James (whether with pictures, hand signs, or verbal cues) in a classroom, it's rather akin to throwing gasoline on a fire -- it triggers both anxiety and defiance, rather loudly too. It is true that afternoons are some of his toughest times to hold things together. James also does not function well in unstructured time.

So his aide has created some visual tools to help him understand what activity is coming next, and how much time it will take. James is starting now to want or need things neatly boxed and defined more so than in the past, and this seemed a good thing to try to keep him focused and involved, rather than defiant. I am so glad he has his aide to help him through this tough transition to third grade.

I have noticed over this summer that James has started resisting things more, especially activities outside the house. I used to be able to get him to go swimming in the pool with his sister and I with a minimum of difficuty. Not any more. He used to love going to the grocery store with me. He's become less enthusiastic about coming along and often asks now if he can stay home. How about a trip to the Farmers' Market? No thank you, now.


I'm not giving up on getting him to go out. Today  we were treated to an outing all day at Coppola Winery's pool. "I don't wanna go," was his cry. I bribed him with his iPad and he came. He goofed off and talked incessantly, once we were established under some umbrellas. This made it a little harder for me to relax, but I did enjoy the experience.

James' sister swam like a fish. I got James into his suit and took him into the pool with me, because this year he did not want to go at all. The water was refreshing and helped cool him down. He started to cry, however: he didn't want to get dunked under water, he did not want to be splashed. He clung to me and told me that he had nightmares about his (up until now) favourite Baby Einstein puppet characters.

Ah, so that's why you've been getting me up every house on the hour at night, lately.

So I spoke soothingly to him, and gently rocked him from side to side. He did grow calmer. After we got out, I wrapped him in a couple of towels, to help him dry off. He refused to go in again, though.

James' Dad thinks the resistance and defiance are normal developmental milestones. He's right, but I am always wondering if there isn't also something more going on that is related to autism that I am still trying to decode.