Wednesday, November 30, 2022

Okay - I Can Talk About It Now

Autistic Teen Meltdown, or: What Happened on Thanksgiving 

photo of a cookie with Having A Meltdown decoration

So, we had complete #HOLIDAYFAIL this year for Thanksgiving. Still conducting an internal investigation as to why, but pretty sure the usual suspects (relative's house, with barking dogS, and more people than he was prepared to deal with) plus teen hormones that felt tired of being bossed around during his holiday week at home, noise, plus pressure to take a shower all combined into a huge, LOUD, meltdown in front of family, across a golf course (he eloped and I got him back, which set off the screaming and yelling), into the street, and in front of a friend during a food drop. 

It was awful. 

This was the first time my family had seen what a meltdown looks like from James. The stress in keeping calm to manage the meltdown, the embarrassment of the outburst, the pain of seeing my family want to help but not sure what to do, and finally the realization that I just had to take him home and there would be no dinner with the family this year overwhelmed me and I started to cry, which freaked James out. Because as a rule I do not cry during meltdowns (where he can see me). It just doesn't help.

This time, some of the things he yelled at me were extremely hurtful, so I let him see me cry. So now remorse was added to the mix. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to" came after each tirade. 

When we were home and things calmed down (reassurance that even though I did not like the behaviours I still liked him, being in our quiet home, and cessation of crying), he gave me his version of a hug and said again he was sorry. I thanked him for that and then told him I needed some quiet time now. 

I also said there would be consequences, so no internet and very restricted phone time. I unplugged and hid the router, put his devices in a safe place, and the internet stayed off through Sunday. He earned phone time so he could talk with people. Having myself received the Silent Treatment on various occasions and having a pretty good idea how something like that would affect James, I wanted him to be able to talk with others while still letting him know the meltdown was affecting his privileges.

Oh the talking. We covered how feelings were neither good nor bad, it's how you handle them. The importance of communicating with people before a meltdown happens. Practicing phrases we can say to make that communication easier.

Without prompting, James wrote apology notes to myself and other family members and delivered them personally. When he says he is sorry and didn't mean to, I believe him. I love him to pieces. I also knows that his life will be a lot better if can realize how his actions affect others and he makes it his priority to better manage them. 

Today is Wednesday - it's almost been a week. I can talk about it now.

Some good (IMO) links for understanding meltdowns (and no, I have no affiliations with any of these - I looked at the posted content and thought it was very appropriate for our situation):

Thursday, November 24, 2022

Support and Thankfulness

 "We know that this can be a stressful time for you. If you need additional help from a live person, don’t hesitate to call the Autism Speaks Autism Response Team at 888-288-4762 (EspaƱol 888-772-9050) or email us at familyservices@autismspeaks.org. " -- from Autism Speaks' blog post Five Things To DO While Waiting for an Autism Evaluation

James, before diagnosis, playing peek-a-boo
James, before diagnosis, playing peek-a-boo


We as an overall population have all been learning. James had to wait 5 months for an official evaluation, that's how backed up the clinic was. The only people who could help immediately were the North Bay Regional Center, who did the initial assessment and immediately wrote purchase orders for speech (twice weekly), O/T, and multiple services from ELI (in-home development work , group play sessions, and parent classes). Through all these great agencies I learned on-the-fly and was given many tissues, hugs, and encouragement.

Things were so different then. His pediatrician told me J could not possibly be autistic "because he looks you in the eye".

Please share this link. Autism Speaks is not perfect, but it's trying its best to reach out and support across all 50 states. And the holidays can be so rough.

Thankful for all our help and blessings this year. For all our families and friends ... for every new skill mastered ... for every new person who understands just a little better what life can be like for someone otherly abled.

Monday, November 14, 2022

Indepedent Steps

 James made a PB&J this weekend. All on his own. I am excited -
the quiet deep excitement with the word "YES" playing over in my head. 

Photo of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich

At was all the more terrific because he did it when he was frustrated. The pizza delivery he'd earned was, shall we say, messed up on the delivery end. He was hungry. I suggested he make himself a snack, something like he'd been practicing in ABA sessions, like a sandwich or quesadilla.

He said "Peanut butter and jelly? um, okay - yes!" Out came the jars. He found the bread and pronounced it "good!" and proceeded to make his sandwich. He needed a little help with cutting it diagonally, but that's it. No prompting, no fussing, just calm and confident sandwich making.

We celebrated by visiting Diagon Alley via the first Harry Potter movie. James faded out soon after that scene. I think the shouty Dursleys were really his favourite part.

It hit me again this morning, as I was doing errands. Driving the van on a clear sunny autumn morning, where the flaming trees showed bold against the blue sky, yet the sunlight felt warm and mellow inside the car. Again, the quiet "Yes!" and then "Thank you". Because we are here again, moving forward. James is using life skills we've been working on.