Okay - I Can Talk About It Now

Autistic Teen Meltdown, or: What Happened on Thanksgiving 

So, we had complete #HOLIDAYFAIL this year for Thanksgiving. Still conducting an internal investigation as to why, but pretty sure the usual suspects (relative's house, with barking dogS, and more people than he was prepared to deal with) plus teen hormones that felt tired of being bossed around during his holiday week at home, noise, plus pressure to take a shower all combined into a huge, LOUD, meltdown in front of family, across a golf course (he eloped and I got him back, which set off the screaming and yelling), into the street, and in front of a friend during a food drop. 

It was awful. 

This was the first time my family had seen what a meltdown looks like from James. The stress in keeping calm to manage the meltdown, the embarrassment of the outburst, the pain of seeing my family want to help but not sure what to do, and finally the realization that I just had to take him home and there would be no dinner with the family this year overwhelmed me and I started to cry, which freaked James out. Because as a rule I do not cry during meltdowns (where he can see me). It just doesn't help.

This time, some of the things he yelled at me were extremely hurtful, so I let him see me cry. So now remorse was added to the mix. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to" came after each tirade. 

When we were home and things calmed down (reassurance that even though I did not like the behaviours I still liked him, being in our quiet home, and cessation of crying), he gave me his version of a hug and said again he was sorry. I thanked him for that and then told him I needed some quiet time now. 

I also said there would be consequences, so no internet and very restricted phone time. I unplugged and hid the router, put his devices in a safe place, and the internet stayed off through Sunday. He earned phone time so he could talk with people. Having myself received the Silent Treatment on various occasions and having a pretty good idea how something like that would affect James, I wanted him to be able to talk with others while still letting him know the meltdown was affecting his privileges.

Oh the talking. We covered how feelings were neither good nor bad, it's how you handle them. The importance of communicating with people before a meltdown happens. Practicing phrases we can say to make that communication easier.

Without prompting, James wrote apology notes to myself and other family members and delivered them personally. When he says he is sorry and didn't mean to, I believe him. I love him to pieces. I also knows that his life will be a lot better if can realize how his actions affect others and he makes it his priority to better manage them. 

Today is Wednesday - it's almost been a week. I can talk about it now.

Some good (IMO) links for understanding meltdowns (and no, I have no affiliations with any of these - I looked at the posted content and thought it was very appropriate for our situation):

• Autism Speaks' Challenging Behaviors Toolkit
• Autism Speaks' Blog Post "10 things that helped me during meltdowns as an autistic child"
• Toolkit to understand behaviors, from Autism Speaks
• A guide to meltdowns, from the National Autistic Society (UK)
• Blog post on Autistic teens and meltdowns, by New Focus Academy
• Article that does a good job addressing meltdowns and what to do after, from the Raising Children website (Australia)

When Meltdowns Destroy The World

Thanks to Defying the Spectrum for this infographic

We've been up, down, and all around. We skirted a head cold just before Halloween. James has had good days, and ones where self care issues are still interfering with school. He's decided food is evil and refuses to eat foods he's enjoyed for years. I've resorted to constant snacks and calls to get help from a nutritionist.

I've found out that James has not been receiving his 2x weekly speech sessions at school over the past 3 weeks, as the therapist has been out on medical leave. I had to ask if he was getting them to find this out. Now I am asking what the make-up plan is. Communication and speech continue to be struggles for James. Sources of frustration.

There's been a run of healthcare issues that involve more angst and cleaning labor than illness. My eczema is having a fine time and is currently well on its way to splitting open the skin on all my right fingertips.

I am helping my daughter work out that the badly worded math word problems are asking for. Oh the irony. I long to answer "who cares?" for many of said word problems. James and I are working on his reading log. There is not a lot of free time in the day. At night, James has been waking up regularly at 11pm, crying. I help him to the bathroom and he starts hicupping, which makes him furious. I coax him back into bed and he crashes. I am wrung out.

Through it all we've been hanging in there. Discouraged and tired at times, but plugging along. Until this afternoon. When James decided to bug his sister while she was finishing her homework. He ignored requests and warnings to stop. He earned a time out. A meltdown ensued over the next 90 minutes.

Oh. No. All the plans I had for the afternoon (write a letter, bake some breakfast muffins, do some cleaning) went right out the window. Everything narrowed down to helping my daughter finish her math and staying calm while trying to get James to calm down. Both eventually happened. By the time James calmed down, homework was finished and he'd lost iPad privileges for the rest of the day. Most of the afternoon had gone.

I am sapped. And worried. James is going to be a big guy. He gets very upset when people attempt the shush him or restrict him. I am worried about his teenage years and beyond. I want James to have words and tools to express how he's feeling and try and get what he needs  ... not have meltdowns.

I finally figured out James needed to eat. His mood improved quite a bit after he ate something. I am still worried. Hoping we have a good night's sleep, and tomorrow is a better day, with no meltdowns in it.