Resisting

Things are a bit better at school, and I am cautiously optimistic. A couple of longish discussions with his aide about triggers and possible tools to use to encourage better behaviours and choices at school seem to have helped.

It is very true that if you try to shush James (whether with pictures, hand signs, or verbal cues) in a classroom, it's rather akin to throwing gasoline on a fire -- it triggers both anxiety and defiance, rather loudly too. It is true that afternoons are some of his toughest times to hold things together. James also does not function well in unstructured time.

So his aide has created some visual tools to help him understand what activity is coming next, and how much time it will take. James is starting now to want or need things neatly boxed and defined more so than in the past, and this seemed a good thing to try to keep him focused and involved, rather than defiant. I am so glad he has his aide to help him through this tough transition to third grade.

I have noticed over this summer that James has started resisting things more, especially activities outside the house. I used to be able to get him to go swimming in the pool with his sister and I with a minimum of difficuty. Not any more. He used to love going to the grocery store with me. He's become less enthusiastic about coming along and often asks now if he can stay home. How about a trip to the Farmers' Market? No thank you, now.


I'm not giving up on getting him to go out. Today  we were treated to an outing all day at Coppola Winery's pool. "I don't wanna go," was his cry. I bribed him with his iPad and he came. He goofed off and talked incessantly, once we were established under some umbrellas. This made it a little harder for me to relax, but I did enjoy the experience.

James' sister swam like a fish. I got James into his suit and took him into the pool with me, because this year he did not want to go at all. The water was refreshing and helped cool him down. He started to cry, however: he didn't want to get dunked under water, he did not want to be splashed. He clung to me and told me that he had nightmares about his (up until now) favourite Baby Einstein puppet characters.

Ah, so that's why you've been getting me up every house on the hour at night, lately.

So I spoke soothingly to him, and gently rocked him from side to side. He did grow calmer. After we got out, I wrapped him in a couple of towels, to help him dry off. He refused to go in again, though.

James' Dad thinks the resistance and defiance are normal developmental milestones. He's right, but I am always wondering if there isn't also something more going on that is related to autism that I am still trying to decode.

When You Least Expect It

James seems to be settling back down and into a better pattern of behaviour at school. Thank goodness. I am trying more to balance fun times on the iPad with some school work and social time.

Tonight, James popped out two new things on me:

(One) He had a normal give-and-take conversation with his sister about their days at school, and then asked me how my day was and interacted accordingly. This happened on our way back from an unplanned, post-dinner trip to the post office to pick up some mailing boxes. It was hard to not scream with delight as I drove home, listening to this unfold in astounding simplicity. I think my jaw was on the floor for two blocks. Normally James scripts, or must be prompted to have a conversation. This was stunningly different, yet very relaxed.

(Two) He made up a story all on his own and enjoyed telling it out loud in one continuous story line. OMG & try to not scream with excitement again.
Back story: I bribed big sis to put him to bed. She got to stay up a little longer and have chocolate ice cream if she read him a story and talked with him for a bit. He LOVES this, BTW. She made up a very short TeleTubbies story for him. He then made up one for her about Princess Fiona opening her door and being very surprised to find Barney there. She wasn't happy about that (who would be?) and slammed the door on him. Then suddenly she was on a plane, which was traveling upside-down. Not sure how that happened, but she had many exciting adventures in TeleTubby Land after she landed.

I am not sure why big things like these seem so random and unexpected with James. I suppose it could be because he's always been so independent at selecting his moments to display his developments, and doing it so casually. I find myself having to pinch myself to believe that James is actually doing the new activity (and it's not one of my dreams) or catching myself up suddenly and realizing that this is a first, and not the status quo.

It's like a big gloop of ketchup that you get after shaking the bottle for a while. Like hearing your name called at a raffle drawing you entered during a big fundraiser. Like a warm smile from a stranger for no reason at all. When I least expected it, James totally made my day.

Biiiiiiig Huuuuuuug!

New Things on a Thursday

We're still on vacation, so after dropping Daddy off at the bus stop this morning, we ran some errands before heading up to Nana and Apu's house for some furniture rearrangement. Whew! After that, we hung out at home. I proposed going out to a park and encountered meltdown. Belay that outing.

So we took it easy some more, calmed down, and had lunch. I actually got most of the decorations down and the dangerously dessicated tree out of the house. It's the earliest I've ever taken down Christmas and I realized that I didn't get out a third of my things in the first place because things were so stressful and sad. It was kind of a blank feeling, like "well, that was pretty much a wash-out this year." We all did all make it through -- that's the main thing.

We worked on our thank you cards from Christmas and then took advantage of the warm afternoon and went swimming. While James and his sister had a blast, I worked the kinks out of my knees and blissed out in the outdoor jacuzzi while keeping an eye on the kids. James was excited to see one of his teachers from school and talked to her whenever he got near her.

Then it was time for out of the pool. James started crying, he was so cold once he the chilly afternoon air hit him. Luckily I changed him in less than a minute. It took longer to calm him down though. And lately, when he gets upset, he cries and starts shouting things like "You SHUSH!" and "And I said NO!!!" and "You go away now, Mommy!"

I don't get mad at him, but I do let him know that last one is really rude and he needs to say sorry. Then I get him to talk about what's bothering him (like this afternoon -- "Sounds like you're pretty cold, is that right?") and show him there's a solution that will make things a bit better ("Let's get on our dry clothes and go home. We can visit the helicopters on our way. Won't that be fun?")

Unfortunately, our gym's only family bathroom and shower are outdoors, which is really inconvenient in winter.  I strategized the bathing scenarios on the way home. Myself first, and then a bath for James while I dried my hair. Then wash James' hair (cringing as I think about this, but it's necessary) and dry him off while my daughter cut up potatoes for baked fries for dinner. Then clean up tree needles and get ready for dinner while daughter showers. Have James watch a video while I help her rinse, apply conditioner, and comb out/blow dry her long hair. All that took over an hour, but we all enjoyed our dinners with clean (dry) hair in our jammies. Thank the heavens that James has stopped screaming and crying if I turn on the hair dryer.

I cringe just thinking about washing James' hair. because it requires nerves of steel. He howls, screams,  cries, and thrashes so. Plus his cries of "No, Mommy, NOOOOOOOOOO!" make me feel like I am scarring him for life. Usually it takes him a LONG time to calm down after ... or he passes out into an early bedtime.

This time, however, he was merely unhappy. No crying. I hardly breathed through the whole operation. Another new thing - he talked out the steps in advance; we agreed on how many scoops of water we'd use to wet and then rinse his hair, as well as how long we'd do the actual shampooing.

Part of me want to light a candle, or something, in hopes that the water torture of bathing is behind us. Both my children hated having their heads get wet like. They howled and cried and screamed like possessed monkeys. After struggling for years with my daughter, I was sapped for dealing with James when he started rebelling. My husband does not help bathe the children, so I put off kid bathing and hair washing for ridiculously long periods of time. This past month I've finally nerved myself to do more often, and I think it's now becoming part of The Routine.

Last new thing: James, sitting on the sofa, reading "Where the Wild Things Are" to himself. He can memorize books like this, but I watched him and he was prompting himself by reading the words. What a warm glow that was! He also likes this book now because he identifies with Max. I think he needs some Wild Things in his room ...

Magic Marker Monday: Fine Art

James started to make his own pictures this year. Usually starting with spirals and jaggedy sunburst things. His sister made similar pictures when she was 3 or 4.

Recently, he drew a picture of his sister, from memory. His first portrait. I watched him make this, and he talked his way through the picture, from the head, eyes, smile and hair ... to the body .... to the two feet and legs. Wow! And he made her smiling. There goes my melty heart again.

He used some of the materials he received at Christmas (thank you, back-to-school sale stash!)

For more great masterpieces or to share some of your own,
visit 5 Minutes for Special Needs for more Magic Marker Monday.

                         

NYE Countdown: 11PM

More trips. We spent a day in the East Bay, to visit Fairyland and Alameda Beach before your P/T and O/T appointments at a regional facility. I think this is right before you took off ona growth spurt. You're still inches shorter than your sister (now you're almost even).

You ADORE Snow White. You want to buy her Pez dispenser and you love her as a cookie jar.

Pretty soon you'll have to double over to get in ...

Berry patch. Your sister has to lean over to hug you -- she can't do that now unless you're sitting!

Again, good self-regulating! Sorry about the noisy birds ...

You did, however, love the Pacific Ocean!

You started to lose your baby teeth:

Then there was the long van trip to Washington state, to visit Daddy's mom. Boy, that was a fun trip. She got to see how much you'd grown, in so many ways!

NYE Countdown: 9PM

Even at the end of Kindergarten in May, you still look so much younger to me than just recently in End of November/December.

You don't fit those shoes and that shirt is a little small on you now. I'll bet the pants are almost floods.

Still, we did enjoy the nifty sheeps' clothing at the Healdsburg Future Farmers' Fair.

More activities with your sister: Dining outdoors at the Hungry Puppy Cafe.

Drawing together with chalk on the sidewalk. You both loved doing that this year!

For the first time, you did writing: Dad, Mom, Anna, and ....

James

You're still my sweet boy, which is lucky ....

because I remember that when you're naughty.

The boy who cried at the Christmas show, five months later turned out to love doing
the Chicken Dance in front of everyone ... including me.

Big Development: James can sit criss-cross applesauce. This was the first time I ever saw him do it.
Also, he is letting the face paint stay on his cheek. Usually he swipes it right off.
End of year Kindergarten field trip at Haworth Park.

See this shot? This is Mommy enjoying the poolside while both kids swim in the pool, without fear or floaties.

Two New Things More

First, James really wanted to hug and kiss me to say goodbye this morning at our back-to-school drop off. This was unexpected, new, and full of warm fuzzies (at least for me). He bounced right back into his routines and had a good day.

Second, I came home to get started on the kitchen clean up and noticed:

 I put this together with finding the kitchen scissors lying out of place on the counter this weekend and ... the boy's been cutting his own hair. Gah! He screams like a banshee and bucks like a tornado when I try to do it.

Speaking of things that will make him scream like a tin whistle ... behold, the deadly:

These, meanwhile, will make him cry:

He still has to eat some. This is when I turn up the radio.

Teacher Conference: Progress Report

Yesterday I spent an hour and a half with James' teacher, talking about his work, personality, and ideas for improvement. I feel so lucky, to be working with a teacher who listens to me, even encourages me, as I talk and talk about James. She talked about him almost as much as I did. There are 23 other kiddos in that class. Yikes! Yes, I am appreciative.

But wait -- there's more, and it's awesome.

To quote from the report card: "He has made so much progress since last year ... James has a terrific memory and works well in his Reading Group. He is not far from the grade level standard this trimester."

I wanted to jump up, punch the air, and dance around the portable room like a loon. YESSSSS!!!! I've worried for so many years; remember so well that long time when I didn't know what James' voice would sound like, or if he'd ever talk. Had a meltdown at being told be he tested as mentally retarded and that I should prepare myself earlier rather than later to face this situation. Being scared that my sunny little guy would get lost in the big wide world of checkboxes and categories that are set to Normal and Not Normal.

He's reading. He's writing. He's interacting with his class. He does his homework and he gamely gives math a shot at night with me. And he's almost there.

So sweet. So relieved for him.

So thankful.

It's going to always be up and down. Math will remain an interesting challenge for quite a while (maybe always). We are going to try a drawing/writing journal and addition/subtraction flash cards. I am so happy, because even though we are getting lots of help, James is the one making this happen. And his future is getting brighter.
 

Milestones: Conversations

James is starting to have conversations with us! His SHAPE assistant had been encouraging him at preschool in the afternoons to do this, and he has responded to her in a wonderful way. At home, it had not been showing so much.

But, it seems that all the past month's upheaval over finally giving up his naps, struggling with the BM part of potty training (it's happening but not consistent yet), and being a human tornado has also moved James forward. I have been told by many that babies, toddlers, and even bigger kids will sometimes take a step of 3 back and go through a rough period of time before making a leap forward. This is what I am hoping has happened with James.

This is what I see that is new:

• Conversations! This morning it was "I go to see Si'ter (sister) on sofa!" Before he would have run out without saying anything.
  
• Using the games on his Vtech computer that we got for him 2 years ago. He's always liked pushing the buttons and hearing the sounds, but now he is really playing the games. He knows the alphabet, and it really shows!
• Being a big boy and letting me know what he wants. This morning, he told me "I no like it feel" when I put on the cautionary diapers (we'd had some accidents on the sofa after breakfast) -- he then said "I go have unnapants? Please?" So of course back we went. He told me he wanted all new clothes, so he got that too.
• How he is feeling. Now when he stubs a toe, crunches his foot, of starts to really feel the unpleasant side effects of holding his BMs for 2 days he can tell me "OW! I hurt! I hurt!" and, he can tell me where. HUGE breakthrough!
• More affection. He tells people "I love you!" and lately has more hugs, kisses, and enormous smiles for his Daddy and I.

I am hoping for more conversations with James. He has got a funny sense of humour and I can hardly wait to hear his take on things.

Two Bits (bit 1 of 2)

For the longest time, James was pleasantly pleased by everyone and everything (excepting vacuum and blender-type noises). Although I was pretty sure he knew who I was, I felt like I was on par with the cat, a bottle of milk, or anything that spun: pleasantly enjoyed while it lasted before being succeeded by the next pleasant thing.

After reading about some common signs of autism, I noted that while he did go up on his tip toes, flap his hands, turn in circles, and jump up and down when excited, he did not line up his toys or exhibit compulsive behaviour. Until he started closing all the open doors in the house. Then all the lights had to be either on or off (and our house has multiple light switches for the lights, so he'd put on quite the light show trying to get everything either lit or unlit).

Then he started latching on to his blanky, carrying it with him wherever he went. This made me happy, because it's a key developmental milestone, and made me feel I was getting to know James better as he showed real preferences.

Here is James with his Bear Bankee, a hand-me-down from a cousin (thank you, cousin!):



Now James adores his Bear "bankee," and wants it to go almost everywhere with him. He must be tucked in with him before going to bed. There is only one thing he wants more than his blanket, and that is his family. This makes me super happy. His number one favourite right now? His Mommy. This warms my heart, except if I need to go to the garage to do laundry, or say goodbye to someone out front. Then there is a problem at Mission Control ... it's called a meltdown.