Vocalization, Education

Today, during a school assignment, James paused to asked me, "what is vocalization?"

"Well," I answered, "it can mean anything from talking (being vocal), to singing, to ..."

"What, Mother?"

"Ululation."

Cue YouTube search, which found us watching this:



Learning can be fundamental!

Falling Into Calm

I saw this article on My Autism Team about how non-verbal children try to communicate with people and all I could think of was "YES!!!"

I remember this, and this, and  this time.  How James adores Wall-e at home, because the robots communicate without words for so much of the story.

Even more, my own connection to the importance of spending chunks of quiet time with both kids. Over the past five years of sad things, frustrating things, falling apart things ... I have learned to "fall into calm." When the kids are hurt, storming, and all my mom plans and attempts at "normal life"stick their figurative tongues out at me and implode, stress levels soaring like a rocket launch, I have found that lowering my voice and imagining grounding images to make myself an anchor of calm is the most effective thing I can do. It also helps me "hear" what they are trying to say.

It makes sense, after all. These hyper sensitive people, whose nervous systems have already gone critical, don't need shouting or scolding. They are immune to embarrassment in this moment -- that's all my own show. Their ability to cope, regroup, and express are different and stuck from what most people know. There is a real person, trapped in there: sad, angry, hurt, frustrated as heck, and alone.

Who is there to model a more effective, socially acceptable behaviour? Well, often, me. And it is so easy to want to hush them and not make a scene. Clean up the messy behaviours. Assume you know what's going on (or worse, you're so tired and burnt out you just want it to stop) ... when I can get myself to stop and spend time with James and his sister, shutting out the Should and Expectations, I always learn something new about them, and realize I have been missing cues from them.

The best quality time experiences are lovely, lazy parcels of just being together and enjoying Right Now. And there are so man ways to open up to each other: playing, touch, drawing, photos, playing in nature, or music. Sometimes the best revelations and connections come from being able to fall into calm while surrounding by messy, howling chaos. Because sometimes this is when the kids most need us to hear what they are trying to say, in their own ways.

And do they appreciate that extra, focused time with them? Yes, they do.

New Things on a Thursday

We're still on vacation, so after dropping Daddy off at the bus stop this morning, we ran some errands before heading up to Nana and Apu's house for some furniture rearrangement. Whew! After that, we hung out at home. I proposed going out to a park and encountered meltdown. Belay that outing.

So we took it easy some more, calmed down, and had lunch. I actually got most of the decorations down and the dangerously dessicated tree out of the house. It's the earliest I've ever taken down Christmas and I realized that I didn't get out a third of my things in the first place because things were so stressful and sad. It was kind of a blank feeling, like "well, that was pretty much a wash-out this year." We all did all make it through -- that's the main thing.

We worked on our thank you cards from Christmas and then took advantage of the warm afternoon and went swimming. While James and his sister had a blast, I worked the kinks out of my knees and blissed out in the outdoor jacuzzi while keeping an eye on the kids. James was excited to see one of his teachers from school and talked to her whenever he got near her.

Then it was time for out of the pool. James started crying, he was so cold once he the chilly afternoon air hit him. Luckily I changed him in less than a minute. It took longer to calm him down though. And lately, when he gets upset, he cries and starts shouting things like "You SHUSH!" and "And I said NO!!!" and "You go away now, Mommy!"

I don't get mad at him, but I do let him know that last one is really rude and he needs to say sorry. Then I get him to talk about what's bothering him (like this afternoon -- "Sounds like you're pretty cold, is that right?") and show him there's a solution that will make things a bit better ("Let's get on our dry clothes and go home. We can visit the helicopters on our way. Won't that be fun?")

Unfortunately, our gym's only family bathroom and shower are outdoors, which is really inconvenient in winter.  I strategized the bathing scenarios on the way home. Myself first, and then a bath for James while I dried my hair. Then wash James' hair (cringing as I think about this, but it's necessary) and dry him off while my daughter cut up potatoes for baked fries for dinner. Then clean up tree needles and get ready for dinner while daughter showers. Have James watch a video while I help her rinse, apply conditioner, and comb out/blow dry her long hair. All that took over an hour, but we all enjoyed our dinners with clean (dry) hair in our jammies. Thank the heavens that James has stopped screaming and crying if I turn on the hair dryer.

I cringe just thinking about washing James' hair. because it requires nerves of steel. He howls, screams,  cries, and thrashes so. Plus his cries of "No, Mommy, NOOOOOOOOOO!" make me feel like I am scarring him for life. Usually it takes him a LONG time to calm down after ... or he passes out into an early bedtime.

This time, however, he was merely unhappy. No crying. I hardly breathed through the whole operation. Another new thing - he talked out the steps in advance; we agreed on how many scoops of water we'd use to wet and then rinse his hair, as well as how long we'd do the actual shampooing.

Part of me want to light a candle, or something, in hopes that the water torture of bathing is behind us. Both my children hated having their heads get wet like. They howled and cried and screamed like possessed monkeys. After struggling for years with my daughter, I was sapped for dealing with James when he started rebelling. My husband does not help bathe the children, so I put off kid bathing and hair washing for ridiculously long periods of time. This past month I've finally nerved myself to do more often, and I think it's now becoming part of The Routine.

Last new thing: James, sitting on the sofa, reading "Where the Wild Things Are" to himself. He can memorize books like this, but I watched him and he was prompting himself by reading the words. What a warm glow that was! He also likes this book now because he identifies with Max. I think he needs some Wild Things in his room ...

Calm Interlude

James overslept this morning. I actually had to wake him up for school. It's so unusual for him to sleep in and not be sick -- it's maybe the 4th time that I can recall having to do this.

He actually talked with me, asking where his Daddy was and if he could say goodbye to him (before he left for work). When I told him his Daddy had already left, he asked if his sister had said goodbye to Daddy, and seemed relieved when I said yes. Then he climbed into my lap nad snuggled with me.

I was struck again with the semi novelty of having James be my buddy, the way his big sister was. It's not that we didn't love each other. There was just no reaching out on is part and establishing a close relationship like this before. James is actively participating, and I just love it.

For a change, James was calm through a shortened breakfast and school prep morning. His sister's testiness did not phase him, as it has on other mornings. He read his books instead. On the sofa, in the car, and after school while we ran errands and then came home.

His aide and teacher both said he had a great day, concentrating well and doing lots of classwork. He even reminded the students to sing Happy Birthday for their classmate. While I was talking with his aide after school, he went up to kids he knew and tried to socialize with them, instead of trying to wander off or fall on the ground, wailing "I want to go HOME!"

He ate a good dinner and cheerfully submitted to doing about half an hour of homework (after the token "NO!!!" and trying to run away to the nearest, plushest piece of upholstered furniture). He took his evening meds and asked me to read to him - another new and unusual thing for him to do. He even produced the books and listened with the biggest smile.

His Daddy came home just as we finished up, so they got to spend some time with each other. He fell asleep soon after. As I tucked the blankets around him and got ready to close his door, I picked his 2 books off the bed and put them on the table.

These guys have been with him all day!

After the upset of last week and weekend, it's so nice to see James calm and happy again. Doing to well. Being my Buddy.

Special Exposure / Wordless Weds: Clean Freak Out

I hate cleaning surprises, don't you?

The (family-friendly) word I am searching for is "Eeeek!"

For more exciting images, or to share some of yours,
visit Special Exposure Wednesday at 5 Minutes for Special Needs.






               and ... Wordless Wednesday

Music is Magic

James has always liked music. He would perk right up if her heard a fun melody on the radio or TV. He has always adored the Baby Eisntein videos. And if someone sings around him: bliss central!

Last year one of my biggest concerns was helping James talk. I was told that "vocalizing" is very important, and often precedes spoken language. So one of the things my husband and I tried was to sing to James and encourage him to sing back a few simple words. My husband also kept bringing home instruments or things that could be used as such. James loves the guitar, keyboard, and lately the drums (!). Introduce something new like a xylophone or glockenspiel and he becomes fascinated. He loves to watch live music performed at our Farmers' Markets.

And yes, singing did help him to vocalize. Now, I can actually hold him before bed or nap time, and we sing together. It is one of the sweetest times in my day.