Special Exposure / Wordless Weds: Birthday Baker

Guess who's turning 8 tomorrow and baking his own cupcakes to share with his class?

Happy Birthday, Baby. You're my big guy and I am so proud of you. Love, Mom.


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               and ... Wordless Wednesday

So Hard, Just for Me

Today I am doing something that is excruciatingly hard - donating my car. It's not just my car. Not just my first new car (25 years ago). My first new car that my Dad helped me test drive and buy.

It's my car that's Been There through a slew of awful life upheavals: breakups, moves I did not want to make, times when the only person I could bear to be around was myself ... and my car. Back when gas was still under $2 a gallon, we'd take off on weekends to hike or be alone on central coast beaches. This car has over 240,000 miles on it. Some parts have been replaced, but it's still basically itself. I've had good times with it too -- road trips with friends to Santa Cruz and Los Angeles.

The hardest thing for me to release is my last big physical link to my life before everything changed in 1991. I'm talking about the Oakland Hills Fire. Where I lost the home, neighbourhood, and things  I grew up in / with in a day, seared by temperatures well over 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit and blasted in a firestorm that created its own gale-force winds. My family and I ran for our lives twice that day, helped by friends and some family members whom I will remember forever with gratitude.

When I crept back behind police lines the next day, everything was leveled, smoking, and covered with a fine grey ash. The fire was still not out. But there it was, my car -- with the only change of clothes I had in the world in a bag in the trunk. One tire burned and the power lines above had melted and dripped onto it, but it was there, and it the engine turned over when I got in and twisted the key.

In the weeks that followed, I found out who my true friends were, and that process hurt. I lost several close friends and family members in a steady procession in the following 4 years. I found out what bastards our home insurance company was run by, and it sickened me. My auto insurance wanted to total the car, but relented when I said I wanted to keep it. I had it checked thoroughly after, and nothing needed replacing except the burned-out tire. It stood by me and I tried to do the same.

Over the past 2 years, however, it started needing repairs that I could no longer afford. My husband and I decided, after James' diagnosis in 2007, that it would be best to have a parent be stay at-home, and our income halved in consequence shortly after. I've been fighting to keep it with me, though. I know in my head that this has been long overdue; that sometimes I have to let things go to let new things on. I know that holding on to this car is all for me, and it's not helping our family at this point. Someone else can benefit from this car. It still hurts me today though, in a burning way.

I have had the support of friends to help me make the best decision -- it's being donated to the Make A Wish foundation for children. It will go to auction and I hold hope that someone somewhere will buy it and make it go again. It should not take too much - just more than I can give right now. So good-bye, my Mazda. Go and make a wish for someone's child come true, and keep on making a difference in someone's life. I will never forget you.

Getting Ready to Move On

Next week is James' last week of school. Last week of one of our kids going to school at our little neighbourhood school -- the only school that probably both will have both attended (they are now in different school districts).

I shot some pictures of one of our walks home last week. I will really miss these! Not only is is it a fun special time with James and good exercise, it's also one of the few "normal" school things I can do with my kids that I remember from my own childhood.

"Look, Mommy! Is a rock!"

Oh yes, how this guy loves his stop signs!

Nice and colourful, just like James.

Time for me to stock up on Kleenex. I am also burning a CD of all his First Grade class/activity pics for his teacher this weekend.

Last Open House at Mattie

James' sister has been sick most of this week, throwing plans and schedules out the window. Luckily, no one else has come down with whatever she has.

Luckier still that I read James' communications folder this morning, as I packed up his lunch and assembled his backpack. His teacher asked to have all kids to the playground a little early this evening, so they'd be ready to sing their First Grade songs for Open House night.

Great freakin' monkey tails, I'd completely forgotten all about Open House. Both kids' schools have it on the same night and one was down sick and the other was supposed to perform. My husband had to work late. Shoot me (I've been saying this a lot -- maybe I should change this to "dark chocolate, STAT").

I gave respite a go, but no joy -- too short notice. My mom came down for over an hour to sit with the invalid so I could whoosh through two campuses and school districts, trying desperately to look like a responsible adult who'd planned in advance to enjoy perusing her offsprings' work.

I am so glad it worked out because there was so much to see. I am used to being amazed with the work my daughter has accomplished during her school year. She's deeply explored marine life, reading, math, and reports on local historical figures. Her stories and pictures delight me and her ceramic figures are full of whimsey and personality.

This is the first year that I've been able to do the same with James. It's also my last open house at our little local school that I've become very familiar with over the last four years -- the only school both kids might ever both attend. I am more than a bit sentimental here.

Ah well. Seems so little time has passed since he was having his first Open House as a Kindergartener, wearing his feathered headband and doing the Chicken Dance with the rest of his year:

Looking on the classroom was a bit of a letdown, because James was still not writing much, and certainly not drawing. In fact, I think this is the only project that included one of his pieces:

This year, however, James has been bursting out all over. He kept up with his class in all the songs and dances and stayed with his group. His desk had the same projects on it as the others in the room. He was well represented on the classroom walls and boards. He even took me over to a table to show me what he'd done, just as his classmates were doing.

Oh my heart. I am so proud of him, grateful that he's had such a wonderful teacher this year, and that he's made this last Open House here extra special for me.

Visiting, With Love

Both kids and I went with family members to visit a much-loved person who is gradually saying goodbye and preparing to go Home. I still can't wrap my head around it, even though their health has been fragile for many many years.

I just told the kids we were visiting, I didn't go into details. How much can you tell a 9 year-old and a 7 year-old who is bad with abstract concepts?

I'm still not ready to say a final goodbye, but I am glad we came to tell them they were in our thoughts, with all our love. I am glad my kids got to see this person one more time. I hope they have good memories of them.

As usual, the kids were a bright spot for me. I think it's important for them to be included with important family events, and I loved being able to be close to them and hug them tight for most of the day. It made me feel a little better.

If nothing else, they will remember the fish and parakeets.

James took this picture; I think he likes the ramp.

Spring is on the way.

Not surprisingly, the fountain was fascinating.

James loved splashing ...

And getting clooooose ...

Voila. The kid who hates to get his head wet soaked his bangs. Go figure.

New Things on a Thursday

We're still on vacation, so after dropping Daddy off at the bus stop this morning, we ran some errands before heading up to Nana and Apu's house for some furniture rearrangement. Whew! After that, we hung out at home. I proposed going out to a park and encountered meltdown. Belay that outing.

So we took it easy some more, calmed down, and had lunch. I actually got most of the decorations down and the dangerously dessicated tree out of the house. It's the earliest I've ever taken down Christmas and I realized that I didn't get out a third of my things in the first place because things were so stressful and sad. It was kind of a blank feeling, like "well, that was pretty much a wash-out this year." We all did all make it through -- that's the main thing.

We worked on our thank you cards from Christmas and then took advantage of the warm afternoon and went swimming. While James and his sister had a blast, I worked the kinks out of my knees and blissed out in the outdoor jacuzzi while keeping an eye on the kids. James was excited to see one of his teachers from school and talked to her whenever he got near her.

Then it was time for out of the pool. James started crying, he was so cold once he the chilly afternoon air hit him. Luckily I changed him in less than a minute. It took longer to calm him down though. And lately, when he gets upset, he cries and starts shouting things like "You SHUSH!" and "And I said NO!!!" and "You go away now, Mommy!"

I don't get mad at him, but I do let him know that last one is really rude and he needs to say sorry. Then I get him to talk about what's bothering him (like this afternoon -- "Sounds like you're pretty cold, is that right?") and show him there's a solution that will make things a bit better ("Let's get on our dry clothes and go home. We can visit the helicopters on our way. Won't that be fun?")

Unfortunately, our gym's only family bathroom and shower are outdoors, which is really inconvenient in winter.  I strategized the bathing scenarios on the way home. Myself first, and then a bath for James while I dried my hair. Then wash James' hair (cringing as I think about this, but it's necessary) and dry him off while my daughter cut up potatoes for baked fries for dinner. Then clean up tree needles and get ready for dinner while daughter showers. Have James watch a video while I help her rinse, apply conditioner, and comb out/blow dry her long hair. All that took over an hour, but we all enjoyed our dinners with clean (dry) hair in our jammies. Thank the heavens that James has stopped screaming and crying if I turn on the hair dryer.

I cringe just thinking about washing James' hair. because it requires nerves of steel. He howls, screams,  cries, and thrashes so. Plus his cries of "No, Mommy, NOOOOOOOOOO!" make me feel like I am scarring him for life. Usually it takes him a LONG time to calm down after ... or he passes out into an early bedtime.

This time, however, he was merely unhappy. No crying. I hardly breathed through the whole operation. Another new thing - he talked out the steps in advance; we agreed on how many scoops of water we'd use to wet and then rinse his hair, as well as how long we'd do the actual shampooing.

Part of me want to light a candle, or something, in hopes that the water torture of bathing is behind us. Both my children hated having their heads get wet like. They howled and cried and screamed like possessed monkeys. After struggling for years with my daughter, I was sapped for dealing with James when he started rebelling. My husband does not help bathe the children, so I put off kid bathing and hair washing for ridiculously long periods of time. This past month I've finally nerved myself to do more often, and I think it's now becoming part of The Routine.

Last new thing: James, sitting on the sofa, reading "Where the Wild Things Are" to himself. He can memorize books like this, but I watched him and he was prompting himself by reading the words. What a warm glow that was! He also likes this book now because he identifies with Max. I think he needs some Wild Things in his room ...

Growing Pain

Oh my heart. Look at this photo from last September (ignore the evil flash):

James, playing with hat and stickers

See those pant cuffs? How they are almost under his feet?  I tried to see if he could still wear these pants in early August, less than a year later. He could not even get them on. In less than a year he went from a size 5/6x to size 8-10. We are so lucky to have older cousins who give us hand-me-downs!

I miss my baby, but thank goodness you can't take the goofy out of my guy. That's still going strong.

James, playing with Photo Booth on his Nana's iMac

SOOC Saturday: Lenses

I forget which setting I was trying out on my "new" point & shoot. I was curious to see what it did. James at the playground was fair game:

You know, I remember when he was afraid to go on that thing, let alone ride it. The unpredictable, wobbly motion was just too much for him, as much as he wanted to play with his big sister on them. I've been cleaning house a bit lately and trying to let go of seeing the kids and life in my back-in-the-past mommy lens. It's a hard, hard thing. Especially when I keep taking pics like these:

... and:

If I tell myself it's really about art and experimenting with my camera settings, it's a step in the right direction, yes?

The Slurping Life is all about life and love. Visit Melody and check out SOOC Saturday/Sunday entries past & present. No cropping or fixing -- it's life, straight out of the camera.





  

SOOC Saturday: The Last Day

The last day he is going to run out of the house to catch the bus, looking like this:

The last school morning I will be greeted by this parked out front:

The last morning I'll watch him say hi to his buddy, then race laughing to the end of the bus for the driver to catch him and help buckle him in his seat; the last time hearing the nice driver telling James to wave hi to Mommy ...

The last wave goodbye, throwing kisses all the way:

The last time down the street ...

The last turn around the corner, heading off to the last morning of preschool:

James almost didn't make it up the stairs and on the bus -- because up in the sky, just behind the bus, was this:

We'll see that one again, at least!
(told you I would be a mess as we wound up James' preschool era)

The Slurping Life is off to a great start for the July 4th weekend. Visit Melody and check out SOOC Saturday/Sunday entries past & present. No cropping or fixing -- it's life, straight out of the camera.