Gift of Conversation

Last night I went out (!) for my company's holiday party. I was frustrated because I was running late. Luckily, James was staying at home with friends and had already had dinner. I ended up enjoying the evening and coming back home after James went to bed and had a blissful night's sleep.

James let me sleep in until around 7, a good hour and a half later than usual. He also did not wake up in a panic at 3am, calling for me (which he has done in the past when I return home after he has fallen asleep).

Instead, he  politely knocked before entering, calling "Are your here, Mother? Did you come home last night?" He then came in to sit by my bed and we talked together about my night out, Christmas, and trips to Disneyland. It was so pleasant and I was secretly elated with James' new conversational abilities.

He is such a neat kid, and for years I longed to hear what he was thinking. So while I was listening and smiling with him this morning, inside I was saying "YES!!!!"

Yin-Yang Holidays

It's been a rather black week, in which I had a day that literally sent me home early to go lie down in bed. A week who's motto should be "getting old is not for sissies." Where the bleak things in life had a party at my house, neighbourhood and family alllllll week long. And then followed me to work and popped up at my church.

So it's been an extreme relief to have a few days off, gather with family for a Thanksgiving together, hug my kids, and go see friends.

It was great to watch the next gen of cousins play together. Except for James, they are all now in their teens. Every time they get together, James asks to play hide and go seek, just about the only social game he knows and loves to play. Every time, they say yes, and then for HOURS they have the best time playing. They are so accepting, it is awesome to watch.

This year was no exception. The new twist is that James' cousin is a hide and seek ninja. Over 15 minutes and they could not find him in the house, which is not that big. Three times in a row.

He is good!

The Morning Of ...

James woke up 3 times after 3:00am, asking if it was Christmas. I finally had to tell him Christmas started after 7:00 am. He played a few games while waiting for teen sister to awake. Both kids settled on the sofa to open their stockings over croissants and morning beverages. Then it was present time!

Many rippings and exclamations of excitement later we are enjoying the warm house on a frosty morning. The kids have swapped videos to their satisfaction and James is watching his long-desired Cars DVD -- without scratches! I can hear him jumping up in down int he next room with happiness.

It's River Time

My folks rented a house on the River this weekend and invited family and friends, to celebrate a major wedding anniversary. My family used to spend 2-3 months each year on the River; I was so excited to have the chance for a weekend there again. Friday late afternoon, the kids and I packed up the car for a sleepover at the nearby rental. Cousins were going to be there too! James was reluctant, but up for more time with cousins.

He was very anxious about sleeping at this new place, so I had him sleep with me. I told him Hide & Go Seek stories about him and his cousins, which made him feel better. Several times during the night he rolled over and threw himself at me, hugging me tight. The next morning, he was feeling better, eating blueberry muffins on the porch while I had my coffee, listening to birds and watching the sun come up over the River. We heard finches and saw egrets and a great blue heron fishing in the shallows.

Hard to see with poor rez, but the heron is on the right.

Love the River.

Peaceful morning under the redwoods.

James did enjoy playing with his sister and her friend, who had stayed over with us. As the River was chilly until about lunchtime, they all hopped in the hot tub after breakfast and splashed around there.

After that, however, he wandered or played is iPad until after lunch, when it was time to check back in at home base. James was very happy to be home again. The gurglings of anxiety in his stomach quieted down. As a pre-Father's Day treat, we all went out to dinner at Denny's. Safely back at home, he relaxed in his own bed as both parents put him to sleep. After he was down for the night, Big Sister and I drove back to the River and spent another night there.

The next morning, worried that James might wake and freak out because I wasn't there, I snuck out early and checked in back home. Sure enough, James had just got up and started calling for me. So I packed the last of the blueberry muffins, milk, and some coffee in the car and took James with me to watch the hot air balloons launch. More on that later, but it was fun.

It was lovely to be on the River and encourage my kids to play on/in it. It's what my brother, cousins, and I used to do all sumer long when we were young. It's just what I needed to make summer feel real.

Mothers' Day: Priceless

I am typing this from the backyard, listening to the birds twitter and call, smelling the approach of summer and retreat of this morning's fog, savouring my coffee (French roast from Trader Joe's and Peets' Anniversary Blend). I've just picked the first cherries off our tree and popped them in my mouth; they are delicious. Sometimes moments happen and some you just need to make yourself.

I am not a food bowl!!

The cat woke me shortly before 7, prowling for food and a playmate. I was so tired, I poured his kibbles on the nearest flat surface, a MagnaDoodle. My reprieve was short-lived. I heard James stirring, which was my signal to use the bathroom before he announced his waking state to the house and started a loud search for me.

I had been promised breakfast in bed. Unfortunately, my kitchen crew was still sleeping in and catching up on some much-needed rest (curse you, allergies!). I was hungry, so James and I hopped in the car and drove through the low-lying fog to Trader Joe's, where the flowers are gorgeous, the blueberry muffins plentiful, and prices are extraordinarily reasonable. First, though, I had to shut the cat in the garage, as he can't be trusted to not raid the garbage can.

We returned triumphant to a still-sleeping house. James graciously shared his muffins with me and I made coffee. Mmmmmm, liquid ambrosia!

I called my mom to wish her a happy Mothers' Day. We did our usual cell-phone shuffle and my cheek hung up on her once, but we connected. She is such an awesome mom. Every year I appreciate her more, and feel the least I can do is hand her some "Ah-HA!" moments of maternal payback when I talk about how my kids are doing. Kidding! Sometimes.

Meanwhile, coffee in one hand, cell phone in another, I am being presented with a DVD disc (dripping with hand cleaner) by James, who is urging me to clean it, because "it's dirty, Mommy." I finish my call and coffee prep, turn and find he has already inserted the dripping object into the DVD player and started to howl because "it's not woooorkinggggg!"

I whisk out the DVD, wipe it, and shut down the player and TV before telling James to NEVER put something wet into a machine. I explained we needed to let the DVD player dry out now and he had to find something else to do. He picked up the MagnaDoodle and dumped the kibble off it, while telling the cat he was bad, using his angry Dinosaur Voice.

Hello, chickens, so nice of you to return home. Like that roost, eh?

I took several deep breaths and directed James in the cleanup of said kibble. We then got to a more peaceful state by taking turns at playing Angry Birds Star Wars and "getting the piggies."

The Girl Child awoke somewhere around 9:15, disappointed that breakfast was behind me. She presented me with a slightly whacky plant and container from school, a Mothers' Day greeting sign taped to her back, a pink poodle & child diorama (complete with the note that "every mom [instead of 'dog'] has its day"), heart magnet, and a coupon for a free makeover (courtesy of Girl Child -- her manicures are divine).

She also presented me with a delightful concoction of her own design: apple cinnamon toast. It was so good with my coffee! Our daughter has a strong sense of whimsy -- she cut and arranged the apple slices into a smiley face on the toast. When I bit into it, we got the giggles, because now it resembled zombie toast.

My day is looking up.

A Little Story

James just asked to call his Nana. He's been interested lately in talking to all his grandparents. He was able to tell her a little about his day at school.

He told her his one knock-knock joke. It has now morphed into:
  James: "Knock-knock!"
   You: "Who's there?"
  James: "Big grey sum!"
   You: "Big grey sum who?"
  James: "Eeeeeg-xactly!"

And then: He told her a bedtime story. Because I said we needed to wrap up the call (which was totally free-falling into Dadaism) so Nana could go to bed.

"Once upon a time, there was a princess named Anna. She went to school. And then, she went to hiiiiiide  (runs into bedroom with phone, laughing)!" Long pause. "Uhhhhhhm. And she lived happily ever after. The End."

Such a little thing. Such a big breakthrough, that he can do even this much this now.

It's totally made my day.

Looking forward to the next chapter.

So Glad It's Saturday

Oh my goodness, what a lot has been packed into the past two days. School worries already and a homefront crisis. For the win, I have a sinus cold. So I was very glad to not have to get up or go anywhere soon this morning.

Remember that post about me being glad that James is talking more and initiating conversations? Well that was ironic -- he was asked to leave class on his first day of school for talking too much during class. Ouch. He actually left class twice on the first day -- one was related to his aide's break schedule. So now I am walking the fine line between "what the heck do you mean by pulling him out of class on the first day?" and trying to find out what's going on and seeing what I can do to help make sure James stays in class while remaining engaged and behaving appropriately. I also want to make sure that he, his class, and aide are all good fits for each other. I know, I know -- but I'm his mom. Who else ya gonna call?

Speaking of calling ... I can't reach his services coordinator by phone. They took away her portable, put her somewhere new, and no one seems to know how to get her up and running on her new phone. Um, I know start of school is insanely busy ... but I also worked in Facilities -- betchya I could get it up and running without waiting for the District IT folks, but I digress.

My plans for observing James in class on Day 2 were foiled by a financial crisis. There is nothing like panicked phone calls from your partner and the fear of financial insolvency to get that ol' bp up and running, you betchya! I do have mad skills in bureaucratic process and can sometimes remain amazingly calm in a crisis. These helped to resolve the worst issues before 4PM, but by then James was out of school. I was told Day 2 went much better and there were no time outs. I am still going to observe his class next week ...

By 5:00PM, I was at my daughter's campus, looking at class lists. Five minutes later, my heart was in my shoes. She was in exactly the classroom that she wanted, but I think I can read between the lines and now am concerned that she is being left out of the academically motivated group of kids at her grade level. After the last few days, I am trying to breathe deeply and remember the good things -- like the fact that she is in an excellent school and has friends there. That she will be starting 4-H next month and there are 2 more grades after this one.

That maybe I can't see the whole picture because of my fears.

Because this week, there seem to be so many of them around.

I need to close my eyes, have a little faith, and visualize ... with intent.

This is how I need to move forward.

When Is Intervention Helpful?

I read this online column a few days back, and it gave me lots of food for thought. In it, a neighbour asks if it's appropriate for her to call Child Protection Services (CPS) on parents who provide care for their severely disabled child at the expense of their infant daughter. Has anyone else read it?

Holy freakin' cowbells.

I am glad to see that several people emailed in after the initial post to provide some more balanced responses, because the advice columnist's initial response was to affirm a call to CPS. I thought the first commenter (on page 2) echoed my thoughts -- the concerned party should get the parents in touch with support services first.

Now, how many of the general population know (1) that it's there and (2) how to appropriately effect a connection between the two parties? Very few, I am guessing. In part because services and protocols vary so wildly across cities, counties, regions, and states -- there is no consistent way to discover their presence. The larger organizations (like Autism Speaks and MyAutismTeam) try to connect to the more local groups, but keeping on top of what's current is a very difficult, time-consuming task.

Strengthening my conviction of this special needs 411 bewilderment are the instances this year in which I got a taste of the frustration of those close to special needs families who want to help, but don't know where or how to start. I was contacted by a couple of people from my daughter's school district and some friends who know my particular situation and wanted info to pass along to someone they knew. I found out that, as little I know, it's a lot more than some officials. It gave me incentive to create a services pamphlet that, while neither comprehensive nor official, is a fairly decent first step to connect those in need with services and support in our area.

How disconnected we all are. There are so many fantastic people, groups, and services out there, and still so many who do not know they are there. So while the original writer's question made my blood pressure rise, I am glad it put this very important topic out there, so more are aware that services do exist for special needs families.

Most of my information came from our North Bay Regional Center and the professionals who worked directly with our son. Until we were in this situation, I had no idea that special day preschools, developmental therapists, and respite care were available to families on the spectrum. Every week I learn something new. It makes me wonder -- from whom did you hear about services and how did you get the information that helped your family?

Special Exposure / Wordless Weds: Mom Moments

I'd like to thank my kids, for giving me some Mom Moments that make me happy to be a mother. They may not seem like much, but they give meaning to my life. From last week:

Campfire Cookout. Yes, it's happening finally!!!

Sharing enjoyment of the little things.

Farmers' Market: food, people, music, and a thriving community; my family haz it.

Mothers' Day flowers; James helped me pick them out.

Time to savour sights and smells; kids help you retain that.

For more images from the heart and to share some of yours,
visit Special Exposure Wednesday at 5 Minutes for Special Needs.






               and ... Wordless Wednesday

SOOC: Intense

The past few weeks have been extremely intense. I think the picture from this particular week will reflect some of that.

ER visit #1

Wettest March in 8o years; our garage leaks

ER visit #2

New use for walkathon shirt -- staff can "see" autism and adjust accordingly

Sick, better, sick ... planning for a funeral ... being alone ... sun and storm, that's life

A good way to remember those who are gone

Preparing for the funeral

Reception with family and friends

Long drives in stormy weather

Science Fair delight

Odd moments of peace, calm, and renewal

A lot to share with the SOOC action at Marvelous Mommy's blog. Visit her site to see more life, straight-out-of-camera (SOOC) or share some of your own.

SOOC St. Patrick's Day

All this week the kids have been building and checking out leprechaun traps, footprints, and gold pieces. Had so much fun watching I did not take pictures.

However I did get to thinking about my trips to Ireland. Unfortunately, I lost most of my photos in the Oakland Hills Fire, but I do have a few copies from friends.

Beautiful St. Patrick window from St. Peter and Paul church in Athlone.
Copy of a print from my Kodak film days, circa 1987.

We will celebrate the day later with my father and my mother, whose family came from both Northern (Omagh) and Southern Ireland (Athlone). I did not meet any family in Athlone, but I was fortunate enough to drop in on a surprised, related couple out of the blue in Omagh. They were wonderful, giving tea and a tour of the local graveyards to myself and my traveling companion. What lovely people. Oh the stories I heard about the family!

I wish they and my grandmother could have seen James, wearing his Irish shirt and dancing for joy outside the library this morning. This guy has enough charm and blarney to rival a native. And don't forget, he loves to sing and be with people as well:

Makes me wish I still had some photos from  my Irish dancing days.

Getting on my Irish and joining in the SOOC action at Marvelous Mommy's blog. Come on over to see more or join in!

A Question of Death

I have a situation fast approaching that I have not dealt with before. A close family member is succumbing to cancer and there will be a funeral in about a week. I will need to talk about the death and funeral with both my kids. This will be their first experience with both that they will be able to remember.

My daughter, who is very sensitive, will be hearing about a cancer-related death of a close family member for the second time in about a month. I have worries that this will be a little hard for her to take it in stride.

This will be my first attempt at talking about death with James, and I am not sure how much he will be able to process or how to tackle it. Although James is 7, he has difficulties with abstracts. We are used to seeing this person at big family events, but James might not even know who we are talking about.

About three weeks back, however, I twice brought both kids with me, while this person who means so much to me was still able to enjoy visitors. He has no children to carry his memories; I want my children to remember him. In fact, when I asked him what I could do for him, he specifically asked to be remembered and not forgotten. Oh my yes. There are stories, memories and lots of living in our family, and he's been a part of so much of it.

So I am now so very glad I was able to have the chance to have the kids with me so they could specifically remember him as a person. An important, gentle, loving member of our family.

However, because of these trips, James (as he sometimes does) has fixated on this person, asking where he is and can we go and see him again. I am sure he will be doing this at the funeral. So I anticipate I will be taking him out of the church if he starts asking loudly. I am trying to organize a kind of social story about funerals -- what they are and how to act at one.

I know this will be difficult, but death and funerals are a part of life and living. I think the more the children are included in big family events and shown how to care, share, and show respect, the better they will be prepared for life. That does not mean that I cannot do a little preparation.

Does anyone out there have any tips about talking with an ASD child about death and funerals?

Visiting, With Love

Both kids and I went with family members to visit a much-loved person who is gradually saying goodbye and preparing to go Home. I still can't wrap my head around it, even though their health has been fragile for many many years.

I just told the kids we were visiting, I didn't go into details. How much can you tell a 9 year-old and a 7 year-old who is bad with abstract concepts?

I'm still not ready to say a final goodbye, but I am glad we came to tell them they were in our thoughts, with all our love. I am glad my kids got to see this person one more time. I hope they have good memories of them.

As usual, the kids were a bright spot for me. I think it's important for them to be included with important family events, and I loved being able to be close to them and hug them tight for most of the day. It made me feel a little better.

If nothing else, they will remember the fish and parakeets.

James took this picture; I think he likes the ramp.

Spring is on the way.

Not surprisingly, the fountain was fascinating.

James loved splashing ...

And getting clooooose ...

Voila. The kid who hates to get his head wet soaked his bangs. Go figure.