A Question of Death

I have a situation fast approaching that I have not dealt with before. A close family member is succumbing to cancer and there will be a funeral in about a week. I will need to talk about the death and funeral with both my kids. This will be their first experience with both that they will be able to remember.

My daughter, who is very sensitive, will be hearing about a cancer-related death of a close family member for the second time in about a month. I have worries that this will be a little hard for her to take it in stride.

This will be my first attempt at talking about death with James, and I am not sure how much he will be able to process or how to tackle it. Although James is 7, he has difficulties with abstracts. We are used to seeing this person at big family events, but James might not even know who we are talking about.

About three weeks back, however, I twice brought both kids with me, while this person who means so much to me was still able to enjoy visitors. He has no children to carry his memories; I want my children to remember him. In fact, when I asked him what I could do for him, he specifically asked to be remembered and not forgotten. Oh my yes. There are stories, memories and lots of living in our family, and he's been a part of so much of it.

So I am now so very glad I was able to have the chance to have the kids with me so they could specifically remember him as a person. An important, gentle, loving member of our family.

However, because of these trips, James (as he sometimes does) has fixated on this person, asking where he is and can we go and see him again. I am sure he will be doing this at the funeral. So I anticipate I will be taking him out of the church if he starts asking loudly. I am trying to organize a kind of social story about funerals -- what they are and how to act at one.

I know this will be difficult, but death and funerals are a part of life and living. I think the more the children are included in big family events and shown how to care, share, and show respect, the better they will be prepared for life. That does not mean that I cannot do a little preparation.

Does anyone out there have any tips about talking with an ASD child about death and funerals?

Special Exposure / Wordless Weds: Wishes

One afternoon, as I walked him home from school, James saw a dandelion gone to seed. From years of watching his sister, he knew what to do:

Honey, I remember when you could not hold something like a dandelion stem in your fingers. You could not lick a lollypop or blow bubbles, let alone talk and say "Look, Mommy -- I doing it!"

Right on, James. I hope you get your wishes. I am seeing some of mine come true in you, and I am so proud.


For more images from the heart and to share some of yours,
visit Special Exposure Wednesday at 5 Minutes for Special Needs.






               and ... Wordless Wednesday

Tackling Allergies and Acting Up

It's Spring, and we've had a dry Winter, followed by fits of light rain. It's made for a horrible allergy season. On top of that there are several vineyards and a horse stable in back of us. The grasses, blooms, spraying, plowing, and wind have all combined to wreak havoc on our sinuses, throats, and noses.

Indoor trampoline is still a huge help

James has been shaking his head back and forth, like he has water in his ear. He has been sticking inappropriate items in his mouth and chewing them again. For a bit I wondered if it was related to some of the behavioural issues he's been having recently. While that might still be the case, my own pounding sinuses and watering eyes are giving me new possibilities to entertain.

So I have been giving him a couple of warm, steamy baths a week and used some generic nasal sprays that both clear out his nose and give him some basic allergy relief before he goes to school. I have changed our air intake filter in our home.

Now we are starting on the first week of real rain that we've had in a while. James has also been inside a lot more than usual these past two days. Now he's going stir crazy. He runs about at home, on the playground, and even in the O/T room and hides, runs, and refuses to cooperate with the adults when the time comes to calm down and transition to another task.

While this week is a slight improvement over the one before, it's still more to manage. I am tackling it with verbal/visual warnings (counting to 3 with words and fingers) and using his Activity board.

His Aide has started using a checklist to track behaviours and tasks. If he gets too many sad faces, then he knows he loses time on his iPad. His Aide is getting an Activity board for school tomorrow. I hope it will help.

        

Activity Board for home

School checklist

Strangely, writing spelling words is still a great focusing activity for James. And he is really getting into his own bedtime reading session -- both me to him and him to me.

All this organizing and managing seems quite appropriate to me for a Tackle It Tuesday entry. Be inspired, or share your story.

Magic Marker Monday: Grab Bag

We've been concentrating on writing lately. I did have a piece of artwork come home from James:

It was supposed to be an original piece that could be used to decorate items as a fundraiser for his school. Normally I'd be on it, but this is not really a James piece and I'm not sure I want to encourage his love affair with the iPad at this point!

James' sister, however, has been busy using signs to catalog her interests:

It's sweet, but cracks me up ... he knows where his room is! 

I love this sign. It's been up for weeks. Every afternoon, an island celebration occurs!

For more great masterpieces or to share some of your own, visit
  5 Minutes for Special Needs for more Magic Marker Monday.
                       

Sleep Over!

This weekend has had a couple smiles for me, mostly as I watched the kids play together. There were several years when James' sister begged me, with tears in her eyes to:

1. Have another baby, preferably a girl
2. Let her get a dog or a parrot
3. Trade James in for a neighbour's son
4. Let her go live at her Nana's

Ouch. But I understood. James wasn't a lot of fun as a playmate. He was largely passive and nonverbal (yet somehow very noisy). Mommy and Daddy paid sooooooooo much attention to James, and our days grew very constricted and centered around his needs.

I know this has changed her life and we've tried the best we can to give her special time and put energy to her needs and interests as well.

That's why last night's impromptu sleepover was so sweet. It was Big Sister's idea, of course. She handled getting them both ready for bed and I helped her set up a futon and her sleeping bag. We read a Dr. Seuss book, followed by an exciting chapter of Charlie Bone and the Time Twister. Both kiddos giggled and their faces practically shone with the newness and excitement. Then it was time for lights out.

It lasted all of 10 minutes.

James, unfortunately, could not settle down and Big Sister (who really was tired) moved back to her room. But, it was a good try. And I think it helped them both. Big Sister, to have her ideas supported and tried. James, to have a chance to experience a sleepover, which at Grade 1 starts to become a big social thing.

SOOC Saturday: Kigo Ume

Early Spring and the plum blossoms are so beautiful, fragrant, and brief. They are at the mercy of our region's tempestuous fits and are therefore to be enjoyed as much as possible.

Especially the mornings that start cold and clear, with frosty winter overtones. At sunrise, this brings out the ground fog, and makes us think the day will be grey and cold.

Then the sun climbs higher and burns off the mist, leaving a beautiful day. If the winds are strong, it remains cold. If the day is merely breezy, our days warm and delightful.

I am not sure why the lens in that last one is blurry, but I suspect this guy and his fingers had something to do with it:

James, self portrait.

P.S.: Don't forget to Spring Forward tonight to Daylight Savings Time (void where prohibited)!


All photos are straight-out-of-camera (SOOC), for the SOOC action at Marvelous Mommy's blog. Come on over to see more or join in!

Bad Day

We had a Bad Day yesterday. For James it actually started on Wednesday, the day I had to be at his IEP progress meeting. He'd been having a couple of rocky weeks with extreme testing and not doing classwork. All this week I made a special time to talk about his day and talk about what was appropriate behaviour and how his day went. I cut back on his iPad time and started having James practice writing his spelling words before school. Wednesday school day went better.

The Respite care lady, however, reported that James was naughtier than the dickens at home. For a while, he did well, eating an afternoon snack and then getting to play on his iPad. Then he got frustrated with a game and started to smack the iPad, which he *knows* to not do. So the iPad got taken away. He threw a yelling, crying fit that startled the Respite care lady, because James hasn't tended to do this, although he's been doing it more this year than before.

Then he went into the bathroom and smeared toothpaste ALL OVER EVERYTHING. Yeah, Time Out time. He was constantly testing both her and myself so that if he was not in his room on a Time Out, we were constantly having to stop what we were doing to discipline James. Things in his mouth, chewing on books ... all things he knows to not do and hasn't done in a long while.

What to do? Well, first off, I had him apologise to the Respite care lady. James was sorry, and he gave her a hug. Then I used his Activity board (with anything electronic removed) to chose a better activity. This helped, as well as giving him some spelling word writing exercises when he started to drift loose again. He went to bed early that night I tell you!

Come yesterday, James did some spelling, had a small amount of iPad time, and then went back to spelling. I both needed some time to fix breakfasts and lunches as well as wanted to give James some practice with starting, stopping, and transitioning activities before school. The morning drop off went well. When I came for the pickup, however, I could tell things had gone badly somewhere.

James was crying profusely and looking miserable. His aide had that patient, yet strained look. Evidently, all had gone really well, until the last part of the day, when his aide left for a few minutes to go to the office. His teacher gave James, as a reward for good behaviour, some computer time, as he'd finished all his work. The problem started when his teacher gave him a heads up about stopping, and then getting off. James threw a huge temper tantrum. Then he started hitting the computers. Then he kicked the teacher, and would not apologise. O.M.G.

First, I asked James, "Did this happen?" and he said "Yeeeeess!!!" while sobbing. Then I had him apologise to his teacher. I held his hands and told to beathe with me until he calmed down and stopped crying. We all discussed what happened and agreed no computer time for James at all for the rest of the week. No iPad time at home until I hear he had a good day (not perfect mind you, but making good effort, completing a reasonable amount of his work, and showing good behaviour).

At home, I told James that I loved him. I said I was disappointed to hear that he kicked his teacher and hit the computers; that these were not acceptable actions and therefore no iPad for the rest of the day or next morning. I helped him write a "sorry" letter to his teacher and we worked on his spelling words and his reader books. We had a much calmer day at home. This morning was good as well. My fingers are crossed.