Summer Social

Current State of Party Socialization

 We were invited to a small summer party by one of James' classmates. This is one of the wonderful parts of his school - social inclusion by peers - and their parents. 

James did his usual peripheral arcs around the main action at the pool and poolside food tables. The hosts were so kind when he disappeared to check out their video collection, cat, and side yard. When he'd reappear, his friends would greet him by calling out his name, like Norm in Cheers. 

It's hard for me to know just what James thinks or gets out of this experience. I know he looks forward to it, because these are the people he likes to talk about from school, and he participated well for getting ready (even to washing his hair and doing his checklist!). I hope it gives him good memories.

I got to talk with moms, a dad, and exchange phone numbers for bowling and other meet ups. I feel much more confident this year that they will happen sooner rather than later. 

Although we now have our own place and a side yard, it is not the greatest for entertaining James and his friends. I came up with a list of places we could meet up:

• Doran Beach
• Town Green
• Scandia
• Movies (rent a theater and watch a movie at reduced sound levels)

Hoping to come up with more.

Breakthough

Over the past couple of months, James has become more interested in playing with other boys from his class. This is an exciting first.

First I heard the boys' names from James at home. I asked his aide, who told me I was hearing their names properly and that they were good kids who played football at recess. James watched them as the weeks passed. I heard when someone got "hit" and someone ran after the ball.

Then James moved closer, onto the field. Once of twice, they boys got carried away with their game and "hit" him as they bumped into him.

Today I heard that today, James chose playing with his classmates with some touch football over computers.

One of those sweet breakthrough moments that I intend to savour.

"Do You Want to Play?"

When I picked up James today, he was yelling gleefully, bopping a white balloon up in the air and laughing. I asked the counselor how long he'd been doing this. Ten minutes, apparently.

Because Carnival week goes out with a bang, I took a few pictures. While I was doing this, another boy wandered into the main hall where James was. "Hey - do you want to play with me?" he asked.

Another first. I don't think I can remember James spontaneously asking someone else to join him in a game in progress.

The other boy was on his way to eat his lunch, so I wound my photo shoot and we headed for home. So proud of my kiddo.

Another Reason to Love Camp

When I picked James up at summer camp yesterday, one of his  counselors informed me that he'd spent 45 minutes playing Go Fish with some of the other kids and counselors.

45 minutes? A card game? With others???

Awesome!!!!!!

Another best-case scenario for community involvement and full inclusion. And now I can add another item to his Activity Board.

I am thinking about this image for the board - what do you think?

Still Talking About It

Easter was last weekend, but James is still excited about getting together with his cousins at his grandparents' house.

 He enjoyed the egg-citement of the hunt through the light rain and misty garden for the colourful plastic eggs. He still doesn't eat the candy, though.  The Easter Bunny knows to fill the eggs for James' basket with cat cookies and little Ritz/peanut butter sandwiches.

What James has focused on (to the point of obsession) is the hide-and-go-seek games that came at the end of the afternoon, inside the house. He constantly wants to "tell the story of hide and seek." Breakfast, as soon as I pick him up from school. The afternoon hours until bedtime are punctuated with requests for hide-and-seek stories. It's his new bedtime routine.

So glad he's enjoying these social interactions. The focus and repetition, however, are a little wearing. I think I'm going to start trying to hide people on the ceiling and in the fridge next time I tell the story, to see what "happens."

Special Exposure / Wordless Weds: Belonging

Both kids were invited to the birthday party of a friend's daughter. The birthday crowd was younger, but everyone had a good time together. Yes, including James. One of those times that seems ordinary, but means so much:

As James was still out of school during this time, it was a great chance for social interaction. He surprised me more by going in the jumpy house and being the last one to come out. He helped make sure the little guests stayed safe too.

For more images from the heart and to share some of yours,
visit Special Exposure Wednesday at 5 Minutes for Special Needs.






               and ... Wordless Wednesday

Party Notes

I was watching James yesterday at a family party and woke up to a few new things I need to think through and help him with.

To my eyes, it was a small group of about 18 people. I come from a large, Irish-Catholic family on my mother's side, and it doesn't start getting sizeable until about 30 or so people show up. 18 is cozy.
   - It's not cozy for James or his sister.

I have over 40 years to learn to schmooze and pass time pleasantly at a party.
  - James hasn't. He's been to maybe a handful of parties like this one,
    which I got to experience larger gatherings at least 3-4 times a year
    at Christmas, Easter, birthdays, and any graduations/communions, etc.

I grew up with 18 first cousins, and too many second cousins to count right now before coffee. We were each others' play dates the whole summer (which was a full 3 months long).
  - My kids have 6 first cousins, 1 of whom is new and we hope to see soon,
    3 we might see once a year, and 2 we see occasionally. While we do meet
    up with second cousins who live near us, it's definitely a much quieter life
    for our kiddos.

My cousins and I were very used to lots of people in a social gathering, and we were fine not knowing everyone (we'd probably heard stories about them, which was good enough). We expected random adults to suddenly zero in on us and ask us questions, and learned how to answer and evade as needed. As children and then young adults, we learned where to go if we wanted more action and less boring grown-up talk.
  - My kids really haven't got a clue when confronted with a group of more
    than, say, 8. I watched them go into "freeze" mode until the part dwindled
    a bit. Then they were fine. They don't talk with me after about who is related
    to whom or why that person was there. So I am reminding myself that now a
    good time to talk about the people we met yesterday and give a bit of family
    history. Because that's important, in so many intangible ways. I can tell them a
    little more about my summers growing up, and maybe give them some more
    chances to talk about social gatherings and what to do at them.
 

My mother's family lived a kind of Mad Men life on each other's back porches/decks in the summer, with a cocktail happy hour that sometimes was dinner. Us kids got very used to chatting and gnoshing. I love the fact that without cell phones or the internet, everyone along a river and big forested hill just knew whose house was hosting the next happy hour.
  - It's good to see our kids developing some of these same skills,
    but I have to keep remembering that if they're quiet, it doesn't
    necessarily mean they're doing ok -- they might be overwhelmed,
    and in need of a quick touch-base.

I really would like to figure out something to help James. He is a social guy, but while he loves the people and commotion, he doesn't know what to do with himself. I saw him do extreme verbal stimming for the first hour (plus some hand flapping and jumping) and then all kinds of stunts to get attention, one of which almost broke his arm. His breathing became different and the head shaking/banging started, but he kept insisting on being in the middle of people. Again, this got better when the group became smaller and more familiar.

I refuse to bring the iPad. The idea is to get him more relaxed in social situations. Also, the idea of a quiet spot to retreat to seems moot, as he wants to be where the people are. All I can think of now is maybe some social stories about what to do at a party, talking about the party more beforehand and descussing what he can do if he's at loose ends, and normal parenting for when the stimming gets too out of hand.

This is so weird for me. I was not a popular social butterfly growing up -- I am sure I had to learn social behaviours too ... it just seems like it came more naturally (especially in hind sight).

Summers were one big, lazy kaleidoscope of random activities and soaking up social behaviours. I just accepted it as a way of life. I really miss it, looking back now. Even if we'd had more normal lives, I'd be wanting to encourage this with our kids. It's just that with the kids I have, I have to work at it a little more.

Special Exposure / Wordless Weds: Wonder Ball

I've been working on the website for the Wonder League, updating it with photos from the games. I just kind of fell into creating the website and taking photos. It's been a blast!

Going to the games and watching all the joy, excitement, and plain social fun these kids and their families share is priceless, and makes me want to share it some more:

One of my favourites

For more images from the heart and to share some of yours,
visit Special Exposure Wednesday at 5 Minutes for Special Needs.






               and ... Wordless Wednesday

Earth Day / Farmers' Market Returns

Happy Earth Day 2012!
Perfect day for our local Farmers' Market to reopen for the year.

A rather festive start to the day

Mmmmm, rosemary lemonade and local orange natural iced tea!

Garden Club plant sale

Goodness can be tasty, in more ways than one!

There was so much to see: baby chicks, TONS of fresh veggies and flowers, honey, eggs, pastries, and regional good cooking. I bought a few dahlia roots and several salad and vegetable starter plants for our garden in the market, then drooled (figuratively) over the lovely offerings from the Windsor Garden Club's Spring plant sale. The Earth Day event had a nice turn out for vendors and we got a few freebies, especially from the Whole Foods grocery store one.

Good thing we got there early, and got our sour dough ficelles and pain au chocolat from our bread lady before she attracted a really big line. Both kids ran up to her table crying, "It's the Bread lady! Hooray! Hooray!!" I managed to walk the market once before getting distracted by all the fabulous plants on display.

At one point I thought I lost James, until I thought to look for his where the band was setting up. Yep, he was *right* by the drum set, which was going through a sound test. I had one woman ask me "Is James here too?" I said yes, and she must have seen my inability to ID her because she very graciously introduced herself as his school's librarian. James had no problem recognizing her, shouting out a cheerful greeting.

Everyone is so glad to see the sun and get outdoors again!

Happy Easter

Bunny boy was up at 5:30 and ... ignored his basket. Again. He was all about playing with his iPad. Red-eyed and exhausted, I handed him some books and suggested he read *quietly.* A mere 20 minutes later, he was reading aloud from "Where the Wild Things Are" - emphasis on the LOUD. Time to inject coffee, extra strength for me!

By the time we'd all assembled for our Easter brunch, James had noticed his basket. Both kids got Funky Monkey tokens in their basket eggs instead of candy. They collected dozen of sweets-filled eggs at their grandparents' garden later that day.

James really liked getting a flashlight of his own and his Cars book, which (whisper it) was actually a great present he'd received for an earlier holiday, but was not yet ready to appreciate. Boy, does he appreciate it now!

After the egg hunt at Nana and Apu's it was time for an early dinner. Everyone sat together at the table, and for the first time I did not bring the kids' food for them. I figured they could eat bread and try something new ... or I could feed them when we got home. Time to try stretching what they'll eat at social gatherings. Yeah, they pretty much stuck to bread and they had a late dinner-snack before bedtime.  We'll get there.

After a really delicious meal and desserts, the cousins all played together at a local park, running off a ton of energy (and sugar). It was so satisfying to watch them all chase each other and have a blast in a group. It's how I grew up and I don't want our kids to miss out on that.

Bedtime came early and they slept well!

Theme Music

I forgot to note that James has added a new dimension to his scripting (also known as echolalia - scroll down the linked page to see a most excellent definition).

He now recites dialog for two people from movies and stories, because he is finally getting into play dates and socializing with his peers. He also likes to script movies when real life provides parrallels. Or just because.

This morning, for example, he had a phone conversation with his aide on an imaginary phone during our drive to his school. He did both parts of the conversation and I think this was part of his preparing himself for school. He scripts from Barney because I am sure he would dearly love to be part of that group in the mornings on weekends (shudder).  He might also be looking for a buddy, because he is scripting large exchanges between Buzz and Woody from the Toy Story sagas.

Max decoration that's going in his room.

He went through a couple of days of being mad (highly unusual for James) and recited huge portions of Where the Wild Things Are to me. Most notably "I'll eat you up!" And you know, it actually opened a bit of a dialog for us, so I could let him know I understood he was angry ... could he tell me more about why? Usually it had to do with me telling him "no" or enforcing bedtime. I could be wrong in my assessment of why he was scripting from that book, but I don't think so. It fits James' personality of being sweet, funny, and stubborn. I found this scripting endearing, as well as preferable to a sulky tantrum or swearing and throwing things.

Most recent and delightful to me: James has been humming the theme music to The Incredibles. Just before he takes off at a run. When he wears his beloved bear blanket. And the one that almost brought me to my knees with laughter: in the bathroom. That's right, taking a bath, toweling off after, successfully completing a toileting run, washing his hands ... duh-duh-DUH-da-dahhhhhh!

James, you are Mr. Incredible!

Special Exposure / Wordless Weds: From His Heart

Last Friday was James' last day of SHAPE with one of his most special people ever. The preschool suddenly announced it was closed on that day, so we met at the park and had a kind of picnic/play celebration.

James helped make the card and write the letters, all the while chanting "I LOVE Teacher Nancy!":

Teacher Nancy has helped him feel loved and secure as he stretched his school mornings into days, dealt with the trauma of potty training, made his first efforts at writing, and helped direct him to play socially with other children. Always she was full of patience, caring, and humour. She saw James as a person who was yearning to grow and do, and she helped him do just that.

James even got himself dressed in clothes he picked out for this special day:

For more great images or to join in the fun, Visit Special Exposure Wednesday at 5 Minutes for Special Needs.



and ... Wordless Wednesday

Social Acceptance, Isolation, & the Big Picture

Here's a thought for today. I was reading The Mommy Blog and Mindy's post regarding the job description for Parenting (aka "Youth Manager Position"). It's very funny and well-written.

This main description caught my eye: "Responsible for managing mostly small humans (1 to 10 at a time) within the constraints of scope, quality, time, and cost, and working within established Child Protective Service policies and guidelines, to nurture and groom offspring for acceptance in society at large. Also, anything else the wind might blow your way."

Let's look at that phrase again: "groom offspring for acceptance in society at large."

Wow. That gave me a lot to chew on. Especially after dinner, when I spent a couple of hours at a parenting class for parents of special needs kids. And it brought to mind several things:
* My parenting reality is different from society-at-large
-- So what?

* Yes, I want James to be accepted by s-a-l (while maintaining his uniqueness)
-- Don't we all want this?

* My definition of society may not be James'. His world may encompass the same range of people and exposure to the world in general. Or it may not. Is that bad? I don't know. Would I be disappointed? Probably a bit, but definitely if James was unhappy.

Tonight in the class we talked a lot about the isolation felt by parents of children with special needs. How well meaning friends and relatives (and indifferent ones) just don't get it. How the little things can silently build up and start smothering you in depression, guilt, and loneliness. How those sideways, funny/startled looks you get out in public can just stab you in the heart and get to you.

In many ways, James is lucky. He likes other children and they like him. I hope this stays true for him all his life. I know he will have difficulties. He's already smarted a bit from been left out in a social situation. But I keep faith that our grooming and his sunny nature will make the social meshing a mostly positive experience.

The other thing I took away was that we are all parents and trying to do our best. I truly believe that all loving parents share many challenges, griefs, and joys. It was very good to have a place to unload and talk (and cry) tonight about some of the special needs-related things we'd been through.

I am reading that job description list again now, and find myself laughing at "Formal child development education and/or progress toward certification of competence (provided this takes place solely in your head and does not disturb other moms; they are very busy finding their own way, blindfolded and handcuffed, through a minefield in a blinding snowstorm. Barefoot.)" Aren't we all? Shhhh!

I may never get to some of those other bullet points with parenting James. For now, that's okay. As long as we're making progress and he's leading a good life I am hopeful for his future and our journey.

(PS: The sentence "Also, anything else the wind might blow your way" = priceless and oh so true.)

SOOC Saturday: Being Invited

Around the first anniversary of James starting preschool, he turned four. We decided to throw him his first friends birthday party. It was simple -- we reserved a room at the local Round Table Pizza and invited his classmates. Three excited and anxious boys turned up. It was a first for them all.

There was screeching and laughter. Parents helped their kids sit still, eat their cake, and play the games. It was normal, and yet not. It was a first friends birthday party for them all and we were nervous. We wondered about our kids being invited to birthday parties and how they will act once there. New situations can be stressful and in the back of our minds we know our kids will have their own reactions that can strain a celebration a bit.

One little boy got sad and hid under his chair. James' dad got under the table and was so silly he made the little guy laugh. By the end of the party, he was up and running around with the other boys. Pin-the-Tail on the Donkey quickly turned into turn around and fall on the ground and wail "Don't Wanna" (or just wail). The Super Stomp rocket launcher, though, was a big hit! We had some tantrums and flailing when it came to taking turns, but all in all, it was a good afternoon with a group of little boys having fun together.

Flash forward 13 months. James was invited to his first birthday party for a classmate (from the mainstream preschool). It was at Chuck E. Cheese, which made me nervous. James has trouble filtering sounds, but he loves video arcades. I was very glad we tried it, and proud of how well he did. James (mostly) sat at the table with the other little kids. He did not eat the pizza, but he had punch and nibbled at the pretzels and apples that I brought for him. He was one of the few kids not scared of Chuck E. and his friends; he sang a bit of Happy Birthday and ate the cake (first time -- he hasn't eaten cake before).

He was happiest because he was seeing his friends from school on a weekend at a new place. That made me very happy too.

Five 'til Midnight: Playtime

Playtime has become big in James' universe. He has liked to play with things for a while. Now he wants to play more with others. First his sister, then his classmates ... then special people:


James loves to play on our piano. He picked out how to play the scales all by himself and stops at 8 notes. No one taught him that. He loves to sing. The highlight of his summer activities was participating in a Music Together class with Star Tom.


James will latch on to special toys from time to time. His father found Mailbox from Blue's Clues and James took it everywhere for several weeks. In fact, he insisted on using it to hold his treats when he went trick-or-treating for the first time ever this year.

SOOC Saturday: Alight

At first I was bummed this photo was not in focus. But on second thought, it's a good capture of James in the moment. Alight, laughing, playing, and moving too quickly to remain in focus.

While the Mom in me sighs and thinks that remaining in focus (for school, tasks, etc.) will be an ongoing challenge for James, the Cheerleader in me is yelling support for the boy who is opening up and engaging with his world with play and exploration.

I see this at his second school program, where he plays with others in the classroom and on the playground, and the other kids yell greetings to him with true friendship.

I see it as he and his sister turn to each other for extended sessions of playtime in our home. I love it when he is singing. He comes alive with music and singing!

SOOC salute to Melody at The Slurping Life. Best wishes for the little one who is coming your way!
  

What's Wrong With the Picture?

So James went to the Swain Center yesterday for his weekly speech therapy session. He loves this. He has a crush on his therapist. She makes him work too. She has a way of enjoying his charms, yet not letting that get in the way of making him work harder.

The past few weeks have been spent on getting him to recognize "he" & "she" and "boy" & "girl." This week his therapist brought out cards with silly/missing items pictures, to see how he reacted. She said she was very impressed that he could identify items on each card, even if he could not verbalize his observations.


For example, he knew there should be balloons at the top of the strings the clown was holding, even if he could only say "bah-oons?" The card with a person's face, missing the eyes almost worried him. She asked him what was wrong and he said "no eyes."

We talked about how people now ask him "How old are you?" and "What's your name?" and he doesn't respond. His therapist wanted to know how they asked him, and I told her usually like most adults wanting to talk with a child in a park or grocery store line. She then leaned over and said "What is your name?" and the little stinker (I say it with love) said "My name is James."

!!!!!!!!

Oh fine. Be that way. Yay!!!!!!

So she thinks that maybe it's the social interaction that needs work. He is used to charm and initiating interactions. Now I can see that we need to work on responses to people who initiate contact with him.

Meanwhile, the goofy cards sounded like fun. I took a quick look online and saw a book that could be a fun activity to do together, as well as help him have some colouring time: What's Wrong with This Picture Coloring Book, by Anna Pomaska.

Feast for the Soul

One thing I love about summer is that I can move meal times outdoors. It makes a nice break in routine and helps keep the house a little cleaner. This is also good for my sanity. I think the kids like the novelty. As long as we pack Their Foods, that is.

Our town in blessed with a Town Green and some dedicated merchants and council members. On Tuesday nights, we can watch a movie there for free. On Thursday afternoons into evening, there's a Farmers' Market and music concert. A few years ago, a Shakespeare festival began.

I take the kids to these events several times over the summer. Not as often as I'd like, but we'd stay in the house a lot more without them. We also feel good about supporting our local growers, restauranteurs, and other business people. We are supporting local food, green-friendly endeavors, and small-time artisans. We meet our neighbours, friends, and classmates in a different setting and just socialize.

Last weekend, on a whim, we packed a picnic dinner and parked the kids at the Town Green for some food and The Tempest. The kids were interested for a while before the production lost its allure. My husband and I took turns watching the kids have fun at the playground on the Green.

This year, James sat on a chair instead of rolling all over me and the picnic quilt. Such a big boy!

Birthday Boy!

We have been celebrating James' 4th birthday and we have had so much fun! He had muffins in the morning. You can get him to do almost anything for muffins. Then we opened presents and he played with them all.
His dad got him a trike and he rode it in the house. This is exciting because he's not doing it at school and his teacher has told us it's an important activity for him because it helps him integrate portions of his brain, as will improve his hand-eye coordination.


Both kids helped frost and decorate his cake (he chose vanilla all the way) before we left to set up in one of the two rooms at our local pizza place. It was our first attempt to have a party for James with his friends from school, and we were a little nervous about how it might go with a group of special needs kids without teachers on hand; it ended up being so much fun. Three boys from his class (and one sibling) came. The parents were so happy their kids were being asked to a birthday party and all the adults really liked having other parents to talk and touch base with.

The kids liked playing with James' indoor bowling set. They were not really into Pin the Tail on the Donkey but hey, we tried. I brought a CD player and used the Express Train music from their classroom and that seemed to help the kids relax a bit.

The big hit was the stomping rocket that one of the parents loaned us. That and my husband getting all the boys to play with him using their noisemakers got the party going strong! The rockets are all foam and lightweight plastic, and are powered by stomping on on a little plastic pillow thingie. The parents even gave one to James for his birthday present -- oh yeah, we'll be playing with that in the park. Big grin.

Well before the party's end, the boys were rolling on the floor under the tables, laughing & blowing noisemakers, taking turns running & stomping on the rocket launcher, and asking for second helpings of cake. We had carrot sicks and corn tortilla chips in addition to pizza and everyone seemed to have enough to eat.

On the way home, James seemed lit up, he was so happy. We are so glad we could do this.