Advocate Stratego

My email resulted in a call this afternoon. The school to home communication is messed up. James is back to having an aide that does not know how to deal with him. There may be another aid in a couple of weeks.

When did the parent become the quarterback, calling the plays that need to go through at school?

Then two more calls in response to different email. The ABA services provider got more frustrated than me, trying to set up 3 more intake session before we could even think of matching my son to an actual person. They are based an hour away from us and returned the referral. They did try, but on a bad day, one of us would have had to travel 45 miles in a trip that can take up to 2 hours one way.

Back to square one, where we were in October. We may get to start up again in a month.

To paraphrase this excellent article "Why is every step a fight?"

Autism Speaks March, 2011

Deep End Monday

Today began slowly and unwillingly on James' part. I called the bus and school people to say he was coming in, but later than usual. I did the same for my work.

Last night's laundry session was brutal, no two ways about it. To top it all off, half the dryers in our complex are broken, a really swell thing to discover in the dark at 8PM on a Sunday night with a howling teen and a heavy basket of wet laundry.

In honor of Montana and Yellowstone, Calistoga's Old Faithful.

But the bright side today was that James had lots and lots of clean clothes to choose from, as we put them all away together.

A few hours later at work, I got a call to pick up James. I asked to speak with his aide. She is a person a of few to no words. Evidently James told them that if he made it through 3rd period, I'd pick him up and he could go home.

This is what happens when communication breaks down. As there was almost nothing from the aide and I was unsure who his case manager was, I  asked to speak with the principal or vice principal. I am no longer shy. The VP turned out to be a person who listened and knew James. She thinks he's a pretty neat kid too. I have an email to write after this, with a sociable cc list. She will try and brainstorm tactics for working with James and keeping him at school. I cannot keep picking him up and he needs to get his education.

So I finished work and got home almost 3 hours later than usual. Thank goodness for Sunday-made crock pot meals! James had pizza.

As soon as I was finished, I had James get out the homework packet that I asked his aide to send home with him, so he did his work on time. Luckily, it was working on States, and James loves geography. We learned some things about South Carolina and Montana. James coloured on the handouts. I made him write the basic facts at the top and I wrote the longer answers below as he dictated them.

Halfway through, Respite called. Now there is car trouble delaying respite. I have been trying to get this since October, mind you. Maybe in February it will happen. The next time you are tempted to say to a special needs parent "but you have respite, don't you?" - this is often what you actually get. So please don't say it.

Now it's really tough to get James back to finish his homework, but we finally get there!

Now he's resting. I have my homework: emails, texts, a test. It's almost 9 and I should be sleeping because tomorrow at 5 AM I am up and at it again.

Positive Altitudes

I had to look up at James the other day to talk with him. I know he's grown taller than I but he's been hunching over. It's been a rough year. This past week he has been in a chipper mood overall, and his posture is improving.

I am so glad. Regular middle school years are hell. Autism intensifies everything. My guy has a sweet side, and he is happiest when others around him are mellow.

Today's topic of interest: Angry Birds. Every game. Multiple levels. Accompanied by happy hums. He pops out of his room to tell me about it all.

I am enjoying it while it lasts.

Because today we clean his room and he takes a bath.

Multiple Personality Tasking

I have been saying for a while that I love pretty much everything I am doing in my life: being a mom, working full time at my current job, spending time with family for major life events, engaging with the public schools system, and finding out more about autism and thinking of ways to improve services and resources for those dealing with it.

What's stressing me the heck out is the constant need to be in multiple places at the same time. It's usually at least three. Sometimes it's all the above stuff, but mostly it's the mix of my life underneath: clean the house, focus on finances, single parenting, gratitude on the go, trying to find a place of my own in an area that has had a huge chunk of affordable housing destroyed in a fire, the need to slow down and exercise, legal issues tied to autism, chasing down services for my kids, trying to plan for the future, keeping the car running.

Then there's the me-me stuff: reading, making things (anything, from writing letters, to taking photos or making images for display, printmaking, cooking, and imagining), re-connecting with friends,  meditation. Grieving.

I am not just multi-tasking, I am multiple personality tasking. And I now need to add another thing: simplify what I can, because the weeks are blurring past and I am tired.

People Who Get It

Every now and then you run into people who just Get It. With autism, it's a mighty powerful emotion when that happens. This week I feel fortunate for such encounters:

LA Live Steamers at Griffith Park

James loves trains. To give he and his father something to do on LA visits, I looked up trains and found Travel Town, Los Angeles Live Steamers, and Walt Disney's Barn neatly lined up at the bottom of Griffith Park. It's been great for us all - low cost, free parking, and friendly volunteers abound.

This trip, I asked for tickets for 2 adults and a teen (because I am never sure about non adult fare breakdowns).

   "Bless him for coming with you," the woman told me.

   "Actually," I said, "our son is on the spectrum and loves trains, so ..."

    Her face softened and she said "Oh, we don't charge for those passengers."

It's true. I almost cried.

School Bus Driver

This school year has been largely awful, with some sunny spots. James' current driver is a friendly guy named Mike who loves his job and the kids he drives. He will give out his phone number to parents and takes time to talk with us, making it seem like it's no big deal.

I had to call him today about a minor thing James shared with me. He completely understood. I felt self-conscious about calling him twice in just a couple of weeks (always self-conscious of being a Trouble parent), but he made me feel like we were partners, just figuring out these "life" and "autism" things together. I did cry after we finished our call.

Legal Aid

The lawyer with whom I am currently working is one of those who say they are doing what they do for the kids and I believe him. He is at least as busy as I am and still responds to my emails and takes time to touch base and strategize for our next foray into the fray to get James' educational rights and needs taken care of as he needs them to be done.

Always thoughtful, calm when I am ready to scream with frustration, and very good advice and help so far. I always feel less frantic after our calls.

A Year of Process and Outrage

It's almost the end of another year. What a tough one it's been, especially for James. How the system is failing him. Failing us. Namely, the school districts and the government that is supposed to fund and provide guidance to said school districts.

The upshot is that it has been a year of James being without a steady, structured educational environment. It's showing. It's come at a horrible time of a flood of hormones, added height, and explosive frustration.

In short: two Sonoma County school districts, our State and Federal governments failed us at a crucial time and they pretty much bank on parents like myself being too tired, broke, or ignorant to do much about that.

Here's where being outraged pairs well with stubborness and endurance. I am currently engaged in several Processes, some of which include legal, to fight for my son to be educated and supported per his legal rights. To give him tools so later in life he can be as independent and self-supporting as possible.

I call them Processes for the good of my soul. It's long-termed and I know he won't get his full legal entitlements while the federal Secretary of Education removes guidance and legal protections for other-abled students, our state government continues a pattern of funding cuts for public schools and special education, districts side with unions over student needs, and schools actively work to keep special needs parents in the dark about what is actually happening at school.

My mother taught for 30 years. She worked for and received a Masters in Special Education while my brother and I were in high school. I have helped teachers in private and public schools since I was in the 5th grade. I have seen a lot of school from both sides and understand how games must be played to do the best one can in a system. I understand schools are being asked to do too much with too few resources and training. I understand it is hard to work with kids in general, our kids in particular, and sometimes parents most of all. I do get infuriated when I want to pitch in and help but get treated like the enemy. And lied to. And meanwhile, my guy gets put in a corner and short-changed. Over and over. So yes, outrage.

Our public schools systems are not perfect. They never will be. That doesn't mean we get to shrug our shoulders and let it go. Throwing money at schools is not a solution (although it can help). It doesn't mean that yelling or pointing fingers will do much. I think our best bet is to keep trying to hold schools and government agencies accountable, and try our best to partner with them for our kids in this Process.

Sunday Social

Hello, Fall in California. Hello wildfires, smoky skies and flashbacks to the '17 Tubbs fire and '91 Oakland Hills fire.

School was canceled Friday, due to bad air quality. James' anxiety was up considerably. He keeps asking if our house is on fire and relives our evacuation of last year. Family members in So Cal evacuated over the weekend. There are other challenges coming this week.

What to do, to get us both off our computers and out for some exercise and social time?

Why thank you, Cost Plus!

Their holiday campaign to Find the Golden Bell in their store was a great experience. We poked around the departments with other shoppers on the hunt, muttering the daily clue to ourselves.

James kept asking staff for hints and they patiently told him the one clue they were allowed to give. I wracked up another 3,000 steps on my FitBit - yowza! and did a little pre-holiday shopping.

We did not find the bell on either trip to the store on Saturday, but we met a lot of understanding, generous people who asked questions about James and watched his earnest searches with benevolence and an overall friendliness.

This morning, with a little assistance from some ladies with a lot of heart, guess what James found?

I let him shop and use his $10 gift certificate. He chose a mug and a deer ornament.

I met a lot of lovely people and made some new acquaintances too. To quote The A-Team (remember them, boys and girls?): "I love it when a plan comes together!"