I have been watching as much of the news as I can take, about the recent mass shooting at a school and deaths of students at the hand of a former fellow student. I am so angry right now about so many things. So worried for my son.
Right now, I am reading about a lot of finger pointing. I am feeling second-hand anguish and rage. Who is to blame? The NRA, and their insane support of proliferation of gun use and consumption in this country. The politicians, who take their money for personal and political and let gun control bills and laws die in committee, along with out children and students in our schools. The schools, who rubber stamped troubled kids out of their system when they became a disturbance -- why are schools expected to be the experts on this, by the way? The FBI, for not following up tips that he was ready to explode. About the white supremacists, who trained this latest killer and went on record to say they did, although surprisingly that is getting little attention from where I am sitting.
You know what I am also reading about? Again? Autism. Autistic male teen, shunned by peers, anti-social, living with mom as parents are divorced. They could almost be describing my son. Almost.
James right now is happy and still focused on games and media from his childhood years. While not living with his dad, he does get to see him and talks with him almost every night. His classmates still greet him with shouts and friendly waves. I could list all the ways my sweet sunny kid is different from the killers at Sandy Hook and MSDHS. It won't help the fear that colours perception.
Fear that can lead police and other first responders to take my son down, or make school administrators look the other way and pass him out of their systems without getting into the messy and expensive question of how to help troubled kids on the spectrum. Fears that could start making his classmates look at him funny, and start to wonder if he will ever become someone like they are reading about in the news.
Also, we have puberty on the horizon. I know something of what is going to happen once those hormones hit hard. Already at 13, James is taller than my 5' 7". I am doing my best to do right by him, so he can be as well-rounded an independent as possible. Plus, I know I will make mistakes. It feels a little bit like juggling nitroglycerine. Every day.
James is part of a wave that is about to swamp the end of the public schools and services section. Adult communities and our world at large - they are a little better equipped to deal with differently abled, but where is their place? What and who are their supports? Our schools have been criminally underfunded, under-trained, and under-staffed, even before Betsy Vos came on the scene and started trying to dismantle rights to access and services for disabled and differently abled kids. The regional centers have been under financial attack at the same time. Here in California, Jerry Brown has shut down centers for disabled adults with no replacement available.
I feel my anger, building over time at all the budget cuts, trying to be swept under the rug, and isolation from socialization ... growing as my government takes away health care, mental health services, and punishes me for being a single mom thinks that "thoughts and prayers" are going to do it.
Troubled kids, teens, and adults cannot be made invisible. Closing programs to help and support them to save money or putting them off into a funded program that is not equipped to handle them or out into the 21+ population at large and hope for the best? Only works so far.
I am furious and what is being done to all our kids. To my kid. Politicians, talking heads, and social media noisemakers: take "heart broken", "thoughts", and "prayers" and STUFF it back down your throats. We're not here to bump up your polls or ratings.
I call elected politicians in DC (have yet to get through to one - more and more GOP office are letting calls go to voice mail, whose message boxes are full). I participate in protests (it does help). I write to elected reps. I show up to IEP meetings, and call them when needed to advocate for my kids; I take notes and ask for services. I work with the doctors to keep my kids healthy mentally and physically. I see some great people and organizations out there. I participate in research studies - how else will we learn more about causes and things that can help? I have talked with community leaders about needs and services.
It really burns me: all the finger pointing and "not my problem/why should I pay for" mentality and lip service out there.
We are all in this together. Act like it.
I pay my taxes. I have worked almost constantly since I was 16. I vote - every danged election. And I am teaching my kids to do the same. And my biggest hope is that change is coming, to wipe out organizations like the NRA, KKK, Tea Party and the current status quo. Because the job you're doing just is not good enough. In fact, it's killing us. And we are realizing we don't have to keep sitting down and taking it.
