It's always hard to post when my heart is hurting or I am overwhelmed. Put the two together and there's a lot of lag time between posts - sorry.
Like so many other families, the bad economy and rising prices are stressing out my husband and I. There are fewer resources to help us. I have never gone so long between jobs that are regular and (relatively) well-paying. Oh the irony. I now have more time during work hours, but no big chunks at once and almost no money. So things that used to give me pleasure and relaxation, such as going to a museum, out for coffee, or live music, are much harder to do. I don't know how much money I can spend except probably don't. We are close to a financial edge we don't want to go over.
It's hard for me because I am used to working harder, or more jobs. Can't do that now; mostly because of child care issues, but also I don't have the strength I once did. It's no longer just mine, it's been given out to my family, and I am running mighty low some days.
There have been a few extra curves thrown at me lately since early December that somehow I am having trouble absorbing and managing. I've had to cut loose from some issues and it almost feels like I'm seeing off someone I care about but am exhausted over as they sail off into the Pacific in a lifeboat with issues. It makes me feel numb.
Well, what can I do? Hope and pray they make it okay, because I really truly do. Be there for my kids, because they really need me. Leave doors open and bridges unburned. Believe that this will not last forever and things will change for the better.
Take in the small things that do keep happening and keep me glad I'm alive and living today. Things like good coffee in a cup, a peaceful 20 minutes in a quiet morning home, listening to birdsong, tasting rain, a smile when I needed it and didn't know it. Smiles and schnuggles from my kids, a clean sink (fleeting as it is), ten minutes of nothing time in the hugely relaxing purple armchair. An outstanding design, a beautiful painting, music that speaks to me, light falling just so across the kitchen counter. A really funny story, LOL cats, good books, and Dr Who.
Appreciate the big things, like relatively good health, a party that my husband and I got to attend recently, respite care with people I trust, good online friends, a chance to talk with my parents - especially my mother - and see them smile.
Having my sunny kid, the one on a spectrum that is infamous for difficulties in relating to people, coming up to me, patting my back and saying "It's going to be okay, Mommy. It's going to be okay." Then giving me that warm smile. And a kiss.